With a degree in social services and a new job, Zeph’s early career appeared to be off to a great start. Time spent studying books on professional networking resulted in a social skillset that led to a successful role in recruitment. Soon, Zeph met someone special, and their relationship led to romance. With the hope to develop a long-term partnership, Zeph studied a book on relationship dynamics and practiced the behavior recommendations.

But for Zeph, an adult-diagnosed autistic person, the strategy that led to success on the job didn’t work in their relationship. Zeph had been using a practice known as masking, camouflaging their natural personality and behavior to conform to social pressures. “I learned how to quote-unquote, socialize with people,” said Zeph. “But for me, it wasn't socializing; it was parroting back these things that seem appropriate in a social environment.”

When they married, Zeph no longer wanted to go out. “My partner, who loved going out and socializing, thought I was good at socializing," said Zeph. "It’s tough to have a relationship built on the foundation of authenticity if we're taught how to mask.” 

Zeph’s example is one that nursing professor Laura Lewis frequently encounters in her research on the experiences of autistic people, and Lewis's latest project, funded by a $429,000, two-year grant from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), seeks to help autistic people find ways to authentically express themselves and find fulfilling relationships. The study is the first of its kind.

“We know that successful relationships can happen in so many ways besides what we may think of as a classic cisgender, heterosexual, monogamous couple that is living together,” said Lewis. “We have this idea of 'this is what relationships look like, this is what sex looks like, or this is what dating looks like,' and it discounts many people's experiences.” 

For many people, a fulfilling relationship might be long distance or virtual, without a strong need for physical togetherness, or may be polyamorous, or asexual, said Lewis. Studies show that autistic people may not know how to initiate contact with someone they're interested in dating, which is further complicated when they are attracted to someone of the same sex. Part of the challenge, Lewis said, is that sex education offered in public schools is heteronormative and neurotypical normative rather than inclusive and identity-affirming for all identities.

“We often see that people have different needs in certain areas of their relationship, as with any relationship,” said Lewis. “But when we have people with different communication styles or desires for physical intimacy, for example, we don't have much support for navigating those differences." 

As autistic children become young adults, they often experience social challenges that cause them to try to camouflage their autism, mirroring behaviors they observe in non-autistic social interactions. The practice of camouflaging can lead to severe mental health impacts, including suicide - a leading cause of death for autistic people - which Lewis believes is the result of a lifetime of being told that how they feel, act, communicate, and experience the world is wrong. Lewis's study and its resulting education program will work to change that.

In the first year of the project, Lewis plans to talk to autistic young adults ages 18-30 about what a satisfying relationship would look like to them and what barriers they currently face to finding those relationships. Participants will also help develop the study questions and interpret project findings, which will inform the creation of an educational program to help autistic people authentically express themselves in fulfilling relationships.

“We all come from different places with what we seek in our relationships," said Lewis. "Our dream would be to develop an inclusive program that is affirming for all identities.”

Laura Lewis, Ph.D., RN, received a two-year, $429,000 grant from the NIH to develop an educational program with and for autistic young adults to provide strategies for managing social challenges that they identify as impacting dating relationships while validating and normalizing their natural responses to social situations.