the shit list:
with macsmith:

Sarah Palin Self-proclaimed “Rogue,” Sarah Palin’s new book hit the shelves this week. The former Alaskan governor has been praised for her excellent work paving the way for new policy. Critics especially liked her extensive use of words that are more than two syllables. The only detractor from this otherwise stellar piece of non-fiction was the fact that she ran out of purple crayon in the fourth chapter, and had to write it in yellow, which nobody can read.

President Obama The President is catching some flack for once again bowing to a monarch. This time, it was the Emperor of Japan. He’s going to get some serious criticism from the Right, and I couldn’t agree more. When is Obama going to stop ignoring customs and traditions when he’s in other cultures? He can’t just show “respect” to other figureheads. It demeans us and makes us look more socialist every day.

Thanksgiving Does this holiday still exist? I couldn’t tell from all the Christmas commercials. Maybe we can just have two Christmases? Holy crap…let’s do that instead.

UK New figures show that 30,000 people in the UK still watch TV in black and white. Do they really wonder why their empire fell or are they actually just pulling our legs?

2012 This end-of-the-world movie was released in theaters this past weekend to the adoration of millions despite horrible reviews (38% on rotten tomatoes). After further investigation, the wt. discovered that people only went to get over the hangover still lingering from Transformers 2.

don't want to be an american idiot
To Whom it may concern,

In this week’s ‘shit list’ you wrote that over 30,000 British people still watch black and white television, clearly completely unaware of any reason why that would be other then [sic] we would be doing it to ‘pull your leg’ or that it reveals our incompetence, the reason the ‘empire fell’ (something I’ve noticed American’s [sic] are far more concerned with then [sic] the British are). I have never read such an ignorant, misinformed article. The reason that ‘30,000’ people in the UK watch black and white tv is because in Britain in order to watch television you have to pay a television licence (this is what funds the British Broadcasting Corporation). A colour television licence costs £142.50 (that’s about $237 to you) whereas a black and white television licence only costs £48 ($80). People who have black and white licences tend to be elderly people who cannot afford to upgrade their system. Next time you want to right [sic] an article that basically mocks our impoverished I suggest you try researching it properly. Congratulations on perpetuating the stereotype that all Americans are idiots.

the news in brief:
with paulgross

“I fully expect to direct the prosecutors to seek the death penalty.”
-Attorney General, Eric Holder, on the upcoming trial of Khaled Sheik Muhammed and four other 9/11 co-conspirators. These are the same conspirators that have been waterboarded, sleep deprived, put in stress positions, and otherwise abused by American authorities. Now we’re going to kill them. But it’s ok, ‘cause we’re Americans and they’re terrorists…

“[We found] a dozen two-gallon buckets of water.”
-A NASA researcher, declaring that water has officially been found on the moon. Coca-Cola has plans to open up a bottling plant there ASAP. (juuust kidding)

“We want everyone in this country to be treated equally.”
-Turkish Interior Minister, Besir Atalay, on the announcement of a plan to make concessions to the Kurdish minority with whom the Turkish have been in conflict for some 25 years. Among the concessions being made is the right to speak Kurdish in public, and assemble in Kurdish groups. The release of the Kurdish leader from prison, however, has not been discussed.

“I was defending my wife and child.”
-Mike Tyson, who decked an over-aggressive cameraman at least four times, causing him to get five stitches. Poor cameraman. And no surprises, Mike “If I saw her today, I’d rape her!” Tyson is still a big douche.

“I would be honored to visit those cities at some point in my presidency.”
-Barack Obama, when declining an invitation to witness the destruction an atomic bomb can cause in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. No sitting President has ever made the visit. Earn your peace prize, Barack.