toyota, mexico fight over california
aig sets sights on new york
by gregfrancese

In a strange twist of events this week, the state of California has declared chapter 7 bankruptcy in Delaware bankruptcy court. Chapter 7 means total liquidation of assets.

A surprisingly short line of potential buyers for California occupied the loveseat in the courthouse’s lobby. Toyota, the world’s largest automobile corporation since the Great Fuck Up at General Motors, has expressed interest. Mexico, the other potential buyer, has said that it would be willing to compromise with Toyota, if necessary. President Obama, unavailable for direct comment because of the Paris Wine and Cheese Expo, has articulated through his press secretary that the bankruptcy filing fulfills one of his campaign promises for change. House Democrats, including California’s own Nancy Pelosi, support the bankruptcy filing. In a joint statement they have called California’s action “momentous.” Republicans, apparently out of things to oppose, have said that they “agree with the decision of California to choose privatization.”

Americans, afraid of socialized medicine, will now be able to sleep at night knowing that at least California will be privately run. Opposition to the privatization comes only from the current governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger reportedly purchased a pair of cyborg sunglasses, leather pants and jacket, and a handgun with laser capabilities and has released a statement saying that he will “terminate anyone looking to change California.”

The change that Schwarzenegger wishes to defend California from will take on two forms. Toyota originally wished to purchase all of California but has decided to scale back because of the financial difficulties facing the global economy. It has made the decision to acquire the naming rights to all places in California. This means that Toyota will own the rights to everything from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim to the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Californication album. In addition to the naming rights, Toyota will acquire 1.25 million acres of National Park land to create “Car Collection Centers.” These collection centers will allow Toyota a place to take all the American cars that get traded in for Toyotas. The value of Toyota’s purchase is estimated at $2.5 billion. Mexico, the country that already populates most of California, has offered more than 6.5 million pesos for the parts of California not yet occupied by Mexican citizens. With the purchase, Mexico will acquire the currently uninhabited Death Valley Region. Questions remain, however, over the fate of California’s most well-known feature – Hollywood. It is reported that the Church of Scientology, after unsuccessfully converting all of Hollywood’s has-beens, may make a bid. Others have speculated that Vice President Joe Biden, concerned over the “hijacking of the finest display of American values,” will ask Congress to approve a bailout in the amount of $2.75 trillion. The bailout would be large enough to award any necessary bonuses.

On the other side of the nation, New York appears to be getting ready for its day in Delaware bankruptcy court. Weeks after Governor Paterson told the state legislature that New York was “running out of money,” the state senate has quickly reacted by beginning merger talks with AIG. If approved, the Empire State will be 85% owned by AIG. The other 15% will remain in the hands of Wall Street. Though opposition was initially strong, the tables seem to have shifted after it was revealed that New York’s alternative was a merger with New Jersey.

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