talk this way
by emilyhoogesteger

going home for the holidays?
Confuse your prying relatives so much they’ll stop asking you questions.
Politicians, press secretaries, and basically everyone else in the government is known for talking in circles and never giving a direct answer. Turns out that can be a pretty useful skill for the rest of us, too. Here’s your guide to implying everything, saying nothing, and avoiding broken promises by not actually making any in the first place.

1. Never use the word “Yes” or “No” unless you use them both referring to the same thing.
Clear, simple words give away far too much information. If you insist on using them, make sure to contradict yourself and pile on the double-negatives. Voila! “Yes, I crashed your car,” becomes the much less incriminating, “Yes, the thing you aren’t not referring to didn’t not happen.”

2. The thesaurus is king.
The smarter someone thinks you are, the less stupid they’ll pretend to be. It doesn’t matter if you know what you’re saying, or even if it means anything. As the letters-per-word ratio in your speech goes up, your need for actual intelligence goes down. So grab your trusty dictionary (or, in a pinch, the ingredients list from the nearest cereal box), and start blowing people’s minds.

3. Don’t match the question with the answer.
One of the worst traps you can fall in to is actually answering the question that is asked of you. Politicians find that the best way to get around this potential snag is to script all their answers beforehand so they don’t even have to worry about thinking of bullshit on the spot. We suggest you try the same thing. It doesn’t matter whether the question is, “How’s your boyfriend?”, “What are you studying again?”, or “Don’t you still owe me fifty dollars?”, all you have to do is smile and say, “Of course I would love some of your homemade bread.”

4. You’re always better off than someone.
There are some times you might find yourself in an uncomfortable situation you just can’t worm your way out of – unless, of course, you remind everyone that someone else has done something much, much worse than you have. Sure, you’re failing two classes - but this one guy you know, he used all his textbooks as bonfire fuel in the first week of semester and prints counterfeit money in his dorm room. It’s guaranteed to make you look like a saint – as long as nobody fact checks.

5. There’s no such thing as too vague.
Ambiguity is a severely underrated skill these days, especially since it’s the driving power behind every long news broadcast that leaves you feeling less informed, rather than more. Replace every noun with the word “stuff,” every verb with the phrase “do things,” and every adjective with the word “very.” Do things, it’s very very stuff. (Translation: Trust us, it’s good advice.)

6. If all else fails, forget.