Breakthrough Research Finds Dogs Stimulating to Cats
Research into what fuels yappy little dogs has resulted in the discovery of a heretofore-unknown gland hidden in their endocrine system that produces a naturally-occurring form of concentrated caffiene. In one of Nature's ironies, the percentage of the hormone in the canine system is both directly and inversely related to body mass by breed: the larger the dog, the less they have. The largest dogs have next to none, a possible factor in their placid natures, while the tiniest dogs as a rule have the most, with observable results.
The hormone is not yet manufacturable from synthetic ingredients; it is necessary to harvest them directly from the source. Testing revealed that Chihuahuas were overall the best donors for the purpose. Placing Chihuahuas in a specially-designed centrifuge and whirling them at increased gravity proved to be the most efficient method. The time factor required again turned out to be directly related to the hyperactivity--it was discovered that for each indiviual "resource" the spinning should be continued until the yapping slowed and stopped. The best quality of hormone was thus collected and the Chihuahua was considerably calmer and more sociable for an appreciable length of time. It is possible that this could become a new non-hostile symbiotic partnership to the benefit of both cats and dogs. Relations between human owners of the Chihuahuas also seemed to be improved as the noise irritant was chiefly removed.
The combination of species-incompatible chemistry with the stimulant effect of the hormone results in greatly increased wakefullness when administered to cats. Accompanying increased cheerfullness has not yet been acheived; patients at this point, while conscious and functional, could be said to fall into the "not-a-morning-person" category. The single most mood-lifting factor was allowing the cats to watch a video of the chihuahua-extraction procedure.
Consideration was given to investigating Golden Retreivers to see if there was a comparable source for their sunny natures, but it was deemed not to be in the best interest of life on this planet in general to extract any of that from them. Funding is being sought for research into the effects of megadoses of Richard Simmons videos to see if relentless cheerfullness can in any way rub off on felines.
first published in the Journal of Feline Somnolence 2005 Dec 14; 244(37): 458.
He's not heavy, he's our helper?
Are there self esteem maintenance issues in the family with a cat who progressively does less and less? Perhaps not for the cat, whose inborn sense of self-worth is usually unassailable, but the family itself may develop problems. When faced with the various roles of long-term caregivers to Sleeping Beauty, different family members may develop negative feelings directed either towards themselves for their subservience to the cat's continued food and hygiene needs, or towards the cat for the diminishing returns of its responsiveness and interaction. It is even not unusual for members to experience varying levels of both responses to the situation, depending on events and their feelings of the moment.
What seems to most core to the dissonance is that the somnolent cat seems to be of no use to the family or anyone else, and is unnecessarily consuming time and groceries while giving nothing in return. Well, here are some suggestions for use of a somnolent cat! Once it is shown that he can still contribute no matter what stage his somnolence has reached, families see him and themselves in a new more positive light. Here are some ways to cheer everyone up!
At home or on family outings, there are many ways he can contribute to all sorts of events:
Fashion Accessory--Wear your cat as a stole, or scarf. Humanely employed fur is all the rage these days, and he has the added social value of still being alive. Dress him up or down for the occasion with some matching jewelry, ribbons, bows or bandannas, and you're both ready for anything!
Mutual Warmth Provider--Take your cat along on hikes, walks, or cross country ski trips as a scarf, or handwarmer(depending on his size)--you'll keep each other warm, and he'll get the benefit of all that fresh air. In the car, or at home on these winter evenings he can be a lapwarmer--company along with comfort.
At Home--Even in Summer he can participate in family events--strategically placed around the yard before a picnic, somnolent cats can serve double duty as ornaments and mosquito decoys. All year round there are costumes and props that will assist the cat's role as a centerpiece or seasonal home decoration. Accent a cozy corner with a cat who knows how to dress for the occasion!
As a household helper, there's no better speedy dustmop than your cat--from floor to ceiling it only takes one quick pass to collect more dust than you thought possible. He can do everything from being a bookprop for the kids' homework sessions to an emergency bathmat, or even a dog toy(that suggestion comes from the United Chihuahuas Brotherhood). Doorstop, footstool, paperweight, draftstopper--the ways he can contribute are just endless. We'll bet you can think of even more! Make it a family contest to come up with more ideas and watch them all cheer right up.
Got some good ideas? Help us cheer up other families!
Send us your best ideas--for every one we use we'll make you a member of our Family Harmony Outreach Club, AND send you a C*A*T*Z*O*N*K T-shirt!
Mail your ideas to :
C*A*T*Z*O*N*K Great Ideas
Family Harmony Division
360 N. Beauxcoeurs Ave.
Kissimmee, FL 34741
If we use your idea we'll contact you to specify color and size!
Fundraising & Donations-
because even though non-profit, bribing cats to participate in research is very costly.
- Cat Herding--Fun & exercise for the whole family! Held indoors at Fantasy Fur Sports Complex, Sleepy Eye, Minnesota, during our C-AFSS Diversity Workshop. Cats need not be awake for the proceedings. Prizes, t-shirts, and healthy snacks.
- Obedience Trials-- For highly skilled cats: cat directs family with paw signals and puts them through their paces. Solo and/or Group trials; a registered competition that earns points towards Feline Subservience Accreditation. To demonstrate eco-ecumenism, the event is held in conjunction with the American Kennel Club/Eukanuba National Championship in Long Beach, California on Saturday and Sunday December 2 & 3, 2006.
- Endure for the Cure-- Fund-raising event at the 2007 Winter Conference held in the 5-star Hilton in Newport News, VA. While guests attend a fabulous gourmet seven course dinner, contestants undergo a mini-marathon: a cat owner holding an open tuna can must hold out the longest while dieting cats beg and demand. Contestants may begin gathering pledges May 1 2006, while tickets for the Jan. 17 '07 event go on sale with all others for the Conference in June. All proceeds go to research and cat-bribery.
- Hurry for Furry-- Our Feline Iditarod, held sensibly in Summer, of course. July 20-21, 2006, Musher's Trail Park, Wasilla, AK 99687. A weekend of humorous events where humans, singly or in teams, race pushing carts of cat food or other heavy and/or embarrassing objects while dressed in silly costumes or tied 3-legged, etc. Cats are transported to the finish line in limos--winners earn a snack for the cat.
- Plan to attend your Regional Fundraising Conference! Enjoyable, Educational, and for a Good Cause. Get to know your fellow C*A*T*Z*O*N*K members, and create bonds that will last a lifetime. Stay tuned to the upcoming issues of the C*A*T*Z*O*N*K Newsletter for times and places. (Some cat-sitting available on a site-bysite basis).
C*A*T*Z*O*N*K Quiz Research References & Resources