It is a question many of us have asked ourselves at one time or another ... Why do some lifelong relationships work, while others deteriorate? What follows is a summary of information and research that may redefine for you what it actually is that comprises a healthy intimate relationship. Please note that throughout this article, when we use the terms " relationship" and "couple" we are referring to all couples in a variety of intimate relationship configurations including heterosexual, homosexual and trans- gender. We believe that these principles apply to all couples regardless of gender, sexual orientation or marital status.

Until recently little research was done regarding what makes a relationship succeed.. Clifford Notarius, Ph.D. and Howard Markman, Ph.D.,authors of "We Can Work It Out" researched thousands of couples over a twenty year period. John Gottman, Ph.D., author of "Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail" and "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" discovered in his research that what makes a relationship work, or fall apart, is far from obvious, and that our traditional notions of relationship and marital stability may be misguided. Although both these researchers studied heterosexual married couples, the principles that emerged cut across the lines of gender and sexual orientation.

In the 1980's, Notarius found that whom you marry has little to do with how happy your marriage will be, that personality traits/flaws - his insensitivity, her insecurity - are NOT the underlying cause of relationship distress, and that how compatible and alike you are with your partner is NOT an important ingredient to relationship success. He debunks the myth that men and women have different needs in a relationship and different approaches to intimacy, as well as the myth that nothing can get in the way of happiness if there is enough love and commitment between two people. In brief summary, Notarius found that it was HOW couples managed the differences and conflict that arose between them that counted. Unfortunately, he reduced the "how" down to effective communication and conflict resolution skills. Subsequent research by Gottman debunks "the biggest myth of all ...that communication - and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts - is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage". He points out that the wide range of marital therapies focused on communication, active listening skills and conflict resolution have a very high relapse rate (65% to 92%) because successful conflict resolution is not what makes relationships succeed. He found that most couples who have maintained happy relationships rarely do anything resembling active listening when they are upset. Instead of validating and empathizing with each other, they each argue their point. His research showed that "even happily married couples can have screaming matches - loud arguments don't necessarily harm a marriage".

Gottman also explodes myths about relationships. He points out that, although gender differences may contribute to heterosexual relationship problems, they don't cause them: that the determining factor, for both men and women, in whether they feel satisfied with the sex, passion and romance in their relationship is the quality of the friendship. He contradicts researchers who believe that a happy relationship is based on a contract of reciprocity ... the "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine" agreement. In reality, he says, it is really the unhappy relationships where this quid pro quo operates. The list of myths goes on and on, and the false information they offer can be disheartening to couples who are struggling to make their relationship work. Other clinicians agree.. Roberta Gilbert, Ph.D., author of the book Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way Of Thinking About Human Interaction agrees that our culture does not prepare us for emotionally mature relationships, but instead depicts relationships as "an early and intense emotional experience where people base their initial involvement on feelings and then guide themselves through the relationship by interpreting those feelings to each other" and that this eventually leads to emotional distance. David Schnarch, Ph.D., author of Passionate Marriage (and Passionate Couples for same-sex couples) believes that ALL relationships have a natural system and ecology that is predictable, that is, that all important relationships eventually lead toward distance between the couple, and that conflict signals an opportunity for growth, rather than something going wrong. He believes that this personal development involves us managing ourselves (our anxiety, our reactivity), and that this process of "differentiation" creates opportunities for learning new skills. Gottman, Schnarch and Gilbert all agree that hardly any of us are "ready" or "good enough" for relationships when we enter them.

So what DOES contribute to successful intimate relationships? The ideas that follow come primarily out of the work of David Schnarch, although there are some similarities between his thinking and that of Gottman and Gilbert. Perhaps the most important similarity is that all three state that a key ingredient to success is the ability to calm yourself down, or manage your reactivity when you don't get what you hoped for from your partner. Schnarch proposes that intimacy also involves the willingness to confront yourself about your own issues and self-disclose to your partner, without expecting acceptance or reciprocity from your partner. This involves the ability to maintain a clear sense of oneself when loved ones are pressuring you for conforming or sameness. It involves not taking your partner's reaction personally and not expecting or demanding that your partner confront himself/herself in return. It involves focusing on yourself rather than what your partner is (or isn't) doing and keeping your mouth shut about your partner's issues. It involves listening to your self rather than trying to get your partner to listen, accept and validate you. It involves watching your tone of voice and decreasing your defensiveness. And these elements represent a higher level of personal functioning, or differentiation. While Gottman thinks that validation is one of four key ingredients to healing your relationship, both Schnarch and Gilbert think that validating is useful at higher levels of differentiation, and can actually hinder self-development if one relies on your partner for validation.

This brief article barely touched the surface of the fascinating, complex process of relationship. If you are interested in more information, the books mentioned in this article may be of interest.