Round One:
I would get the vice presidential nominees involved at this point, but Joe Biden has been devoured by the horrendous monster that is his own ego and Sarah Palin is fighting hard enough not to choke on her own vomit like the ignorant neanderthal fool-bitch that she is. So the two candidates are on their own.
John McCain enters the fight confidently, knowing that his military experience of crashing various airplanes will serve him well here. He charges Obama, letting out a war cry and trying to smash him over the head with a double-fisted slam. Obama merely stands there waiting to take the blow, but disappears as soon as McCain's blow lands. Suddenly, the world starts spinning around McCain and reality seems to start rearranging itself. Up is black, down is white, dogs and cats start playing poker together, and so on. McCain has been drawn into Obama's aura of fakeness. The Illinois senator is so smooth and smarmy that he's able to twist about people's perceptions of reality until they don't know what's going on. Such is what is happening to John McCain, who seems trapped in a bizarre world of Obama's construction. Round One goes to Barack Obama.
Round Two:
Initially confused by the changed reality around him, McCain reacts the way any politician would: by spinning a web of lies of his own. He starts uttering untruths like, "I'm a maverick," "I've done a good job in the Senate," and "I'm not just another political drone who will help run this country into the ground," with such conviction that he eventually begins to dispel Obama's illusion. When the shocked Obama gets a haymaker to the jaw, McCain utters the one thing that might not be a complete lie: "My friend, I'm going to rip your spleen out with my bare hands." Round Two goes to John McCain.
Round Three:
The fight becomes a desperate struggle for survival as political rhetoric and party lines give way to each opponent trying to make sure the other doesn't throttle the life out of him with his bare hands. Neither McCain nor Obama gain any immediate upper hand, suggesting a long and protracted battle. Then a black blur swings by and decks both of them, knocking each senator cold in a matter of seconds. The figure lands a few feet away and stands, revealing the fight's true victor:
Batman has these two figured out. McCain is a pudgy old guy who talks as though the left side of his brain has become nothing but scar tissue. Obviously, John McCain is the criminal mastermind known as the Penguin. Obama, meanwhile, is lanky and somewhat awkward in appearance, but makes up for it with his keen intellect and ability to mask the truth by speaking in riddles. Barak Obama, therefore, must be the Riddler. Batman locks each of the politicians away in Arkham Asylum. Then he runs for president himself and wins by a landslide, because the American voting public is a cowardly, superstitious lot. Round Three and the fight go to a third party...Batman for president!
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