Round One:
The fight begins with Abraham Lincoln still looking for a way to return to the 1800s. Meanwhile, Chuck Norris is looking for a way to vent his frustration that Mike Huckabee lost the Republican primary despite his ringing endorsement. Maybe the Chuck Norris magic is starting to fade a little bit? Nah, couldn't be.

Lincoln wanders into a roadside bar shortly after Norris has stepped in to order a drink. It's immediately obvious that these two are the strongest personalities in the room, as evidenced by the fact that the jukebox in the corner spontaneously starts playing the theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly despite the fact that nobody put a quarter in it and that it doesn't even have that song programmed. Lincoln and Chuck Norris take the cue, and decide to duel. They begin in a nonviolent way -- a drinking contest, in which they down shots of liquor while telling their best stories of being a badass. Chuck Norris thinks he's got it in the bag, but is surprised when Lincoln matches him tale for tale. The pair drink until the bar is out of liquor, has gone out of business, and gets bulldozed to the ground. Neither man gains an advantage. Round One is a draw.

Round Two:
With their drinking contest ending in a draw, the two combatants go at it with their fists. Chuck has the obvious advantage here, as he's learned martial arts techniques that weren't even in existence in the 19th century. However, as I learned in Fight Club, Lincoln is a big guy with a big reach, and that makes him an intimidating match regardless of the skill level. The battle goes back and forth, with Chuck Norris slowly gaining an edge. Just when it seems that things are getting bad for the former president, Lincoln surprises Chuck by smashing a beer bottle from the decimated bar across his face. With the advantage of a broken bottle and a mean sneer, Lincoln gets a second wind. The two combatants prepare for a final showdown, as they have been evenly matched so far. Round Two is a draw.