Round One:
From a post-apocalyptic future, Al Gore time travels to the 19th century with one intent: to kill Abraham Lincoln. There's probably some sort of logic behind this mission that was put in place by Gore's programmers. However, that logic has no place in this fight because...well, because it's logic, and therefore is my sworn enemy. In fact, on his way back to the 19th century, Gore makes a stop in New Jersey circa 2008 and shoots Mark Logic twice in the head, just so I can officially say that Logic is dead.
Gore travels back in time shortly before Lincoln becomes president of the United States. He waits outside a debate hall, and ambushes Lincoln following one of his famous debates with Stephen Douglas. He guns Lincoln down with machinegun fire, and then travels back to the future, his mission seemingly accomplished. Round One goes to Al Gore.
Round Two:
Gore returns to his own time and immediately gets cracking on his fight to stop global warming. Even though he was able to kill Logic and Lincoln, the Greenhouse Effect seems to be one foe that he can't defeat. He decides to confront it the only way he knows how: with machinegun fire. Hopping into a space shuttle, he heads into the void of outer space, hoping to find some tangible force behind global warming. As it turns out, there is a tangible force: Abraham Lincoln himself.
If we flash back to the 19th century, we find that Lincoln, while being mortally wounded by Gore's bullets, was not actually killed. His aides rushed him to a hospital, where medicine failed to save him. However, the hospital was also home to a Cthulian cult, which imbued Lincoln with arcane power from the dawn of the world. With this power, Abraham Lincoln went on to become one of the greatest presidents in history. How else besides magic was he able to hold together the nation following the Civil War? Then, following his "death," he traveled into space, where he used his newfound dark magic to begin his plot for revenge against Al Gore. He created holes in the ozone layer, knowing that only someone as anal and calculating as a killer robot would notice a less than one degree increase in planetary temperature over the next century. Now, with Gore in his clutches, the former president strikes.
Whew...I'm tired from all that exposition. I'll get back to the actual fight in the next round. Round Two is a draw as I catch my breath.
Round Three:
Normally in my deranged fantasy world, science beats magic. The exception to this rule usually involves Christopher Walken, who beats almost anybody. Abraham Lincoln, while not as creepy as Christopher Walken does have a lot going for him. For one, he's one of the greatest presidents in history. For another, he appears in The Amazing Screw-On Head, which is possibly the funniest comic book/one-episode television show I've ever seen. Also, he looks really badass with the beard and the hat and all. Given my personal bias toward Lincoln and the fact that he is powered by arcane forces from beyond this realm, he manages to go toe to toe with Al Gore. Gore might have a better time of things, except that he's not fully prepared to be slugging it out with a dead president in zero gravity. Finally, Abe lands a haymaker that literally knocks Gore back to Earth. His CPU melts down during re-entry, and he plunges into the Atlantic Ocean, where his remains will become corroded and forgotten. Abraham Lincoln heads off to a Hollywood costume party dressed as himself and winds up making out with a slightly drunk Scarlett Johansson. Round Three goes to Abraham Lincoln. Although the round count comes out to a draw, Lincoln is the clear winner, thus giving him the fight as well.
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