Round One:
While Kirk is off sleeping with green-skinned women and Picard is busy violating the Prime Directive ("Ooh...you like that don't you, you naughty Directive you!"), Spock and Riker square off. Before the first punch is thrown, Spock points out to his Next Generation counterpart that being first in the tag-team order is essentially the same as being the undercard in a boxing match, meaning that Kirk and Picard consider Spock and Riker to be expendable. Spock suggests that the logical thing to do would be to change the fight by allying against the commanding officers who are playing games with their lives. Riker agrees to the alliance and asks to shake on it. Spock grabs Riker's hand, flips him over his shoulder, and then applies the Vulcan neck pinch. It turns out that the really logical thing to do was use some misdirection to ensure consciousness after the first round. Round One goes to Kirk and Spock.

Round Two:
Kirk and Picard, being the regal commanders that they are, choose to remain aboard their respective Enterprises and do battle in space. Picard's version of the Enterprise has the advantage of more years of research and technology put into it, but Kirk's unorthodox attack strategies manage to keep it in the fight. Finally, Picard finishes the battle by pulling off the namesake maneuver that once made him famous: he executes a short-range warp jump past Kirk's Enterprise, then fires torpedoes from the ship's blindside, destroying the Enterprise. Picard then adjusts his shirt and sits down, getting ready to give the play some kickass theme music on the way out of the battle (Data's got it programmed somewhere - never let an android near an iPod). Round Two goes to Picard and Ryker.

Round Three:
picard heads off to his quarters for a nice candlelight dinner with the Prime Directive as an apology for violating it earlier. (Of course, that's just foreplay for when he violates it again later.) Meanwhile, Kirk managed to transport off the Enterprise at the last minute, where he lands in tattered clothes on Picard's ship. He immediately tears off his shirt and starts attacking the crew. The animal magnetism of a shirtless Kirk is enough to cause the female crew members to fall in love with him and forces the men to back off lest he demonstrate how much more macho he is than them. He charges up to Picard's quarters just as Picard is refilling the Prime Directive's wineglass. Then, phaser set to kill, he shouts out, "I'm Denny Crane Jim Kirk!" and shoots Picard dead. He beams Spock aboard on his way into deep space, kicks the Prime Directive out of his new quarters, and proceeds to have the gayest gay love with Mr. Spock that the Internet can imagine.

*Looks up "Kirk/Spock slash online*

Okay, not that gay. Round Three and the fight go to Kirk and Spock.