Round One:
I honestly can't guess why I decided to do this of all fights. I mean honestly, there's no reason for Bruce Campbell to fight the Tick. They're both good people. They have massive chins and the hearts of heroes. They have been in excellent television series (The Tick in both a cartoon and live action show and Bruce in The Adventures of Brisco County Junior). And Bruce Campbell's last fight was against Hitler, so it's not like there's any heroic misunderstanding that leads the Tick into the fray.

Ah well...

Both Campbell and the Tick find themselves kidnapped and brought to an arena. They are starved for a couple days and pumped full of enough PCP to turn a chipmunk into a rhino (since PCP usually doesn't have metamorphic powers, you'll have to take my word that it's a hell of a lot). Enraged, starving, and drugged, the pair turns on one another the moment they are let loose. Normally the Tick would have an overwhelming advantage in a sheerly physical fight. However, PCP completely turns off any threshold of pain that a normal person might have. It also deteriorates the brain and makes a person batshit crazy, but the key result here is that any broken bones, internal bleeding, and other damage that either fighter sustains while under the influence of the drug is negligible. Neither fighter does anything that the other feels. Round One is a draw.

Round Two:
So basically the fight goes on and on until the PCP burns through one of the two combatants' systems. After what several hours, Bruce Campbell starts to regain his senses. The Tick gets him with a backhand and sends him smashing into a stone wall. Bruce stands up and shakes his head. Then he looks down and sees his spleen poking through his ribs. It doesn't take an anatomy professor to know that such a thing shouldn't be. Bruce tries to think, and realizes that since his body is so depleted he has to use his mind to outwit the drug-crazed Tick.

While Bruce Campbell is thinking, the Tick grabs him, pushes him into a crouch, contorts his battered body into something the size of a volleyball, and swallows him, thus sating his cannibalistic appetite. Come on folks, it's not too unrealistic...I mean, if Carrot Top got a career, anything can happen, right? Round Two goes to the Tick.

Round Three:
Bruce Campbell may be down (in this case, down the Tick's super-powered digestive system), but he is far from out. The Tick is a big guy, and after being starved for several days, he is REALLY hungry. He proceeds to break out of the arena that he has been fighting in and begins eating whatever he finds in his path. The first place he stops is a gun shop, where Bruce Campbell is saved by the Tick swallowing several shotguns. Campbell waits for the ammunition, which arrives soon after along with the shop owner's cat. Following the advice in his quote at the top of the page, Campbell shoots his way out, breaking through the Tick's normally invulnerable body from the inside. In a dash of superheroism, Campbell's scarred, beaten, and bloody body bursts through the Tick's torso, carrying the cat. He proceeds to unload the shotgun on the Tick. It doesn't do any serious damage, as the outside of the Tick's body is invulnerable. But even if you are impervious to damage and pain on the outside, having your insides peppered by a 12 guage is pretty damn painful. At least I assume it is. Let's just say that the Tick is out of action for a while. Round Three goes to Bruce Campbell, and the fight edges his way for being the last man standing.