Round One:
Doctor Evil is off on another one of his zany plots to take over the world, but first he is determined to destroy Austin Powers once and for all. However, I hunted down and killed Mike Meyers over the weekend because of his part in that godawful The Cat in the Hat movie. (Note: I didn't actually see the movie, so yes I am prejudging it based on trailers and critics' reviews. I think that I can recognize crap without having to be subjected to it.) Therefore, Austin Powers doesn't exist anymore, because his actor is dead. Oh yeah, I know, Doctor Evil was supposedly played by the same actor, but he wasn't. He was played by another Mike Meyers. You know, the one from the Hallowween Movies.

Anyway, I forget where I was and whether or not I was working up to a point. Let's just suffice to say that he decides to try and kill Bruce Campbell. You all know how this goes. He goes off and starts to draw up an overly complex plan that involves the eventual capture and slow, impractical death of the protagonist while he's off having dinner and assuming that everything is going according to plan. Naturally, Scott Evil complains about this plan like the teenage whiner that he is and Number Two hedges and states that the evil organization could make billions of dollars doing something worthwhile. While they're all in the middle of these petty squabbles, Bruce Campbell busts into the scene, kicking down a cement wall with his sheer masculinity. He then pulls out a machete and cuts apart Scott Evil, Number Two, and that weird lesbian lady whose name I can't remember, thus slaughtering all of Doctor Evil's dysfunctional family unit. Round One goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Two:
With the scene of carnage before his eyes, Doctor Evil suffers a sudden shock after having seen his only son slaughtered before his eyes. He breaks and falls to his knees, crying to the heavens and cursing whatever malevolent god sent this harbinger of doom and despair to his door.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY," he pauses to take a deeper breath, then continues, "YYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

Bruce, not being an evil man and not actually having any real motivation for this spree of carnage, pauses and blinks, surveying the bloody scene that he has just caused. As an intrinsically good man, he pauses. This is just what Doctor Evil was waiting for, as he has noticed in his years of incompetent villainy that some heroes have what he likes to call "an attack of conscience." Doctor Evil springs to his feet and bites Bruce Campbell's crotch. Unfortunately, the attack does not have the desired effect and only breaks Doctor Evil's teeth. He slumps back and begins to spit out busted molars. Round Two goes to Bruce Campbell and his balls of steel.

Round Three:
"You bastard," spits Doctor Evil.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm going to kill you! I'll shoot you dead and...and sell the body on an Internet auction site that I like to call 'E-Bay'...and...and I'll make...one million dollars," he says as he raises his pinky to the corner of his lips.

"Dude," does Bruce Campbell say dude in real life? Ah, I don't care. "Is that all you ever do? Don't you have any original material?"

"Um...it's what I like to call a 'running gag...'"

"And stop putting vertiquotes over everything that you think you've made up. It's all commonplace, you know."