Round One:
Steve Buscemi is sitting in a restaurant finishing his meal when a waitress comes by and gives him his bill. Reaching into his wallet, he counts out the bill exactly to the dime and leaves it on the table, skipping the tip. When asked about why he didn't tip the waitress, he goes into the exact same rant about how tipping as a social institution is wrong that he did in Reservoir Dogs. Because, as we all know, actors are completely inseparable from their films and act not as individuals with their own personalities and desires but as an amalgamation of all the different movies that I've seen them in. Speaking of which...

Before Steve manages to leave the restaurant, Bruce Campbell dives in dramatically through a plate glass window, going into a roll and coming up with a machete in hand. He points it at Steve and charges, yelling that he is there to defend the waitress from a heartless bastard who refuses to tip. Buscemi takes one look at the long blade and decides to do the intelligent thing: cut and run. He makes for the door, throwing innocent bystanders into his path so as to slow his pursuer down. Bruce Campbell manages to avoid hurting any innocents, but eventually begins losing ground on Steve Buscemi because, as I have learned from playing countless hours of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, it is physically impossible for someone to run while carrying a machete. Finally, Bruce gets sick of the hunk of metal slowing him down and hurls it with all his might at Steve Buscemi. Although his aim is a little off, he does manage to slice of Steve's ear with the blade. This produces a high-pitched wail from Steve Buscemi as he runs even faster. Round One goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Two:
The chase continues. Steve Buscemi continues throwing all manner of objects behind him to act as interference, while Bruce Campbell continues to dodge the objects as he closes in on his quarry. There should some pretty damned cool chase music here composed by John Williams, but he dropped out of a partnership with me so he could go off and do the music for Indiana Jones 4. Apparently he's prefer to be payed millions of dollars rather than earn my undying respect for helping mask over my plot holes and typographical errors. Which is fine, because I don't need him. I don't need anybody!!!

Ahem...moving beyond my abandonment issues...

Eventually the chase leads to a dead-end alley, as it always does in situations like these. Steve looks at a small sewer grate on the ground and grins fiendishly, for he knows that his day has come. No normal man could possibly squeez through the bars, but he is the human weasel, and so he compresses his body and wriggles through the tiny space. Bruce shows up in the alley just in time to see Steve disappear into the sewers. It seems that the wily rodent has evaded him, but Bruce gets a devilish smile on his face as a plan formulates in his mind... Round Two goes to Steve Buscemi...or does it?

Round Three:
Bruce Campbel starts running like a madman down the streets, moving faster than ever before in a seeming random direction. You see, as a monster hunter (i.e., B movie actor), he has been through the sewers a number of times, and knows every twist and turn like the back of his hand. So when Steve Buscemi pops up on the surface again, he's greeted by the business end of Bruce Campbell's boomstick.

"Man, where did you get that gun?" Everyone is entitled to one last question, mind you.

"I eat five guns before breakfast. I just pulled this one out of my lunchbox."

"Um...okay...that seems rather random."