George W. Bush versus a Pretzel
A special non-fight

The Fighters:
Welcome to the Screamsheet's second not-quite-annual non-fight. This one is going to be between George W. Bush, the man who I refuse to accept as the legitimate president of the United States, and a simple pretzel. Bush is easily the stupidest politician I have ever seen (maybe some day I'll have him duke it our with Ross Perot or Jesse Ventura...), and the pretzel is a simple piece of salted knot bread, designed to be a delicious snack. Bush almost choked on a pretzel, and here's where he'll have the chance for revenge.
Talk of the Tape:
George W. Bush: "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
The pretzel: Being a mere snack, pretzels can't speak, so you shouldn't have really expected anything here.

Round One:
Having been through a hard day of letting his vice president take care of our country and babbling about how he wants to nuke every country in the middle east, George W. Bush sits down to watch the game. His hand trembles a little bit as he reaches for a bowl of pretzels, and he orders the secret service agents around him out of the room as he confronts his old nemesis one on one. He pops a pretzel into his mouth and starts chewing. Unfortunately, the pretzel is stale and he breaks a tooth on it. Round One goes to the pretzel.

Round Two:
Having become frustrated with the agony that snack foods have caused him all his life, Dubya decides to simply swallow the pretzel whole without chewing it. What can a simple pretzel do anyway? The pretzel responds by getting lodged in Dubya's throat, and the Texan begins choking. Round Two goes to the pretzel.

Round Three:
Unable to breathe and on the verge of unconsciousness, Bush attempts the Heimlich maneuver. Unfortunately, since he's such a f***ing idiot, he doesn't know the Heimlich maneuver and instead decides to burn the pretzel out by sticking his head into his fireplace. He dies moments later, either from asphixiation or from lighting his head on fire...no one really knows. Dick Cheney later dies of a heart attack when a plastic bag pops behind him, and we get our first black president in the form of Colin Powell. Round Three and the non-fight go not only to the pretzel, but also to the American people.

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