Round One:
Following in the tradition of my last presidential death match, these two fighters will face off in a steel cage battle. The two candidates are suspended hundreds of feet above ground in the time-honored cage and forced to slug it out to the death. Trained guards shoot for the kill if one tries to escape, and there is no time limit.

Unfortunately, the fight begins rather tamely. Bush prances about the cage, strutting about he is "presimadent." Kerry, being the consumate Democrat, decides to be dumb and play the nice guy, refusing to attack any of his opponent's glaring flaws. Instead he tries to "stick to the issues," forgetting that the only issue here is one person's still-beating heart being removed from his body. To get things rolling, one of the guards fires a few shots into the air. This manages to give Kerry a mild Viet Nam flashback, and he goes ballistic. Bush stops his strutting as Kerry bites into his jugular vein. The taste of blood only gets him angrier, and soon he's tearing about el presidente like a fat woman in a delicatessen (to borrow a phrase from Knights of the Dinner Table). Round One goes to John Kerry.

Round Two:
Things are getting desperate for Bush, who is looking like he won't even be alive come November 2nd. Luckily for him, he manages to get away from Kerry for just a moment by climbing to the top of the steel cage. Kerry is gnawing at his shoe and doesn't seem to notice what's going on. Then Bush pulls a gun out of his ass (you know, the same place that he pulled the War on Terror from). Kerry looks up when he hears the sound of the hammer being cocked, and Dubya takes aim and fires a ful clip into his opponent's face. Kerry goes down. Round Two goes to George "Dubya" Bush...I think this is the first time in the history of this page that he has actually won a round, let alone a fight.

Round Three:
It seems to be a Pyrric victory for Dubya, who climbs down and collapses on the floor of the cage, resigned to slowly bleed to death. We could provide him with medical assistance, but I get paid to bring death, not life. And speaking of death...

Much to Bush's surprise, Kerry gets up, despite having had most of his head blown off. He utters one word: "BRAINS."