How you interact with others can be a source of considerable stress in your life. Assertiveness training can reduce that stress by teaching you to stand up for your legitimate rights, without bullying others or letting them bully you.

Assertiveness was initially described as a personality trait by Andrew Salter in 1949. It was thought that some people had it, and some people didn't, just like extroversion or stinginess. But Wolpe (1958) and Lazarus (1966) redefined assertiveness as "expressing personal rights and feelings." They found that nearly everybody could be assertive in some situations, and yet be totally ineffectual in others. The goal of assertiveness training is to increase the number and variety of situations in which assertive behavior is possible, and decrease occasions of passive collapse or hostile blow-up.

You are assertive when you stand up for your rights in such a way that the rights of others are not violated. Beyond just demanding your rights, you can express your personal likes and interests spontaneously, you can talk about yourself without being self-conscious, you can accept compliments comfortably, you can disagree with someone openly, you can ask for clarification, and you can say no. In short, when you are an assertive person, you can be more relaxed in interpersonal situations.

Some people think that assertiveness training turns nice people into irascible complainers or calculating manipulators. Not so. It's your right to protect yourself when something seems unfair. You are the one who best knows your discomfort and your needs.

Investigators such as Jakubowski-Spector (1973) and Alberti and Emmons (1970) discovered that people who show relatively little assertive behavior do not believe that they have a right to their feelings, beliefs, or opinions. In the deepest sense, they reject the idea that we are created equal and are to treat each other as equals. As a result, they can't find grounds for objecting to exploitation or mistreatment. It is likely that they learned as children traditional assumptions that implied that their perceptions, opinions, feelings and wants were less important or correct than those of others. They grew up doubting themselves and looking to others for validation and guidance.

You did not have as much choice about which traditional assumptions you were taught as a child. Now, however, you have the option of deciding whether to continue behaving according to assumptions that keep you from being an assertive adult. Each of these mistaken assumptions violates one of your legitimate rights as an adult:

1. It is selfish to put your needs before others' needs.
2. It is shameful to make mistakes. You should have an appropriate response for every occasion.
3. If you can't convince others that your feelings are reasonable, then they must be wrong, or maybe you are going crazy.
4. You should respect the views of others, especially if they are in a position of authority. Keep your differences of opinion to yourself. Listen and learn
5. You should always try to be logical and consistent.
6. You should be flexible and adjust. Others have good reasons for their actions and it's not polite to question them.
7. You should never interrupt people. Asking questions reveals your stupidity to others
8. could even get worse, don't rock the boat.
9. You shouldn't take up others' valuable time with your problems
10. People don't want to hear that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself
11. When someone takes the time to give you advice, you should take it very seriously. They are often right
12. Knowing that you did something well is its own reward. People don't like show-offs. Successful people are secretly disliked and envied. Be modest when complimented.

    Your Legitimate Rights

    • You have the right to put yourself first sometimes.
    • You have the right to make mistakes.
    • You have the right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
    • You have the right to have your own opinions and convictions.
    • You have the right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
    • You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
    • You have a right to interrupt in order to ask for clarification.
    • You have a right to negotiate for change.
    • You have a right to ask for help or emotional support.
    • You have a right to feel and express pain.
    • You have a right to ignore the advice of others.
    • You have a right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
13. You should always try to accommodate others. If you don't, they won't be there when you need them.
14. Don't be anti-social. People are going to think you don't like them if you say you'd rather be alone instead of with them.
15. You should always have a good reason for what you feel and do.
16. When someone is in trouble, you should help them.
17. You should be sensitive to the needs and wishes of others, even when they are unable to tell you what they want.
18. It's always a good policy to stay on people's good side.
19. It's not nice to put people off. If questioned, give an answer
    • You have a right to say "no."
    • You have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
    • You have a right not to have to justify yourself to others.
    • You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
    • You have a right not to have to anticipate others' needs and wishes.
    • You have a right not to always worry about the goodwill of others.
    • You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.

As you continue through this chapter, keep in mind that assertive communication is based on the assumption that you are the best judge of your thoughts, feelings, wants, and behavior. Nobody is better informed than you regarding how your heredity, history, and current circumstances have shaped you into a unique human being. Therefore, you are the best advocate for expressing your positions on important issues. Because of your uniqueness, there are many times when you differ with significant people in your life. Rather than overpower the meek or give in to the aggressive, you have the right to express your position and try to negotiate your differences.

Symptom Effectiveness

Assertiveness training has been found to be effective in dealing with depression, anger, resentment, and interpersonal anxiety, especially when these symptoms have been brought about by unfair circumstances. As you become more assertive, you begin to lay claim to your right to relax, and are able to take time for yourself.

Some people master assertiveness skills sufficiently for symptom relief with just a few weeks of practice. For others, several months of step-by step work are necessary to experience significant change.

Three Basic Interpersonal Styles

The first step in assertiveness training is to identify the three basic styles of interpersonal behavior.

Aggressive Style.

Typical examples of aggressive behavior are fighting, accusing, threatening, and generally stepping on people without regard for their feelings. The advantage of this kind of behavior is that people do not push the aggressive person around. The disadvantage is that people do not want to be around him or her.

Passive Style.

A person is behaving passively when he lets others push him around, when he does not stand up for himself, and when he does what he is told, regardless of how he feels about it. The advantage of being passive is that you rarely experience direct rejection. The disadvantage is that you are taken advantage of, and you store up a heavy burden or resentment and anger.

Assertive Style.

A person is behaving assertively when he stands up for himself, expresses his true feelings, and does not let others take advantage of him. At the same time, he is considerate of others' feelings. The advantage of being assertive is that you get what you want, usually without making others mad. If you are assertive, you can act in your own best interest and not feel guilty or wrong about it. Meekness and withdrawal, attack and blame are no longer needed with the mastery of assertive behavior. They are seen for what they are - sadly inadequate strategies of escape that create more pain and stress than they prevent. Before you can achieve assertive behavior you must face the fact that the passive and aggressive styles have often failed to get you what you want.

Since one of the primary sources of job stress is ambiguity about what is expected of you, the time has come for a conference with your boss. Here are some suggested questions to use during the interview. The main thing you want to do is to get enough information so you no longer have to mind-read his or her reactions.

1. What is expected of me in my position?
2. Where is this organization going and how doI fit into the plan in the near and long-term future?
3. How am I doing? What are my strengths? What areas do I need to improve?
4. What additional skills or education do I need to progress?
5. What happens if something goes wrong? What can I expect from you if a problem develops?
6. f I continue my current level of performance, what can I expect?

If your boss is a clear, straightforward communicator, the above discussion may significantly reduce your job stress. But if your boss is indirect, irascible, or highly demanding, you might have more work to do. You'll have to learn what motivates him or her and how to use that to your benefit.

Look beneath the surface of you boss's actions to understand what motivates him. Does your boss have a difficult boss, a miserable home life, or does your boss also find you impossible? Is he just marking time until he retires, and views any new ideas as unnecessary or threatening? Is he a guy who needs to be liked, and therefore always says nice things about you but fails to give constructive criticism. Is he the silent type who never lets you know what he expects? Does he lack management skills? Is he buried under his own heavy workload? Or is it something else? Is he a slave driver who was raised to expect perfection of himself and others? If your boss insists on always being right and criticizes any idea that is not his own, he may be suffering from low self-esteem and secretly crave recognition and approval.

You can often use your knowledge of what motivates your boss to get you what you want. For example, with a critical boss you can satisfy some of his need for recognition by praising his successes. You can have a candid talk with him about how his put-downs make you feel and how you need positive feedback as well as constructive criticism. If your boss is a perfectionist slave driver, it would take some of the pressure off of him if certain decision-making responsibilities were shifted to a committee or delegated down. One powerful, yet relatively low risk way to give a slave driver feedback is in the form of a questionnaire filled out by all his employees. If your boss is the silent type, you may need to confront him regarding his expectations of you in the job.

Exercise:

• Describe what is difficult about your boss's behavior:
• Describe what you think motivates his behavior:
• Describe how you might use your understanding of what motivates him to anticipate his next move and deal with him more effectively:

Changing your boss is unlikely; changing yourself is the easiest way to improve your relationship with him. Through trial and error, you can develop strategies for effectively influencing your boss. Perhaps you will look for common ground upon which to build your relationship. Maybe soon you will decide to support your boss on points that are important to him and confront him only on the points that are vital to you, and only when he is in a good mood.

Whether you disagree with your boss regarding your salary or with your co-workers about who is going to get coffee, you need to present your position and negotiate a compromise you all can live with.

The following is a brief four-step model for you to follow when you want to discuss specific problems with your supervisor or co-workers with the aim of arriving at a mutually acceptable outcome.

1. State the problem (what you perceive to be the cause of your stress).
2. State how it makes you feel.
3. State how it affects your productivity and motivation.
4. State win-win (both sides of the conflict get something positive from your solution).

For example, Randy, a creative high school teacher, was refused compensation for the time he spent developing new courses.

Randy told his boss, "Ever since I realized I wouldn't receive money for my course development work, my enthusiasm for teaching has deteriorated. I think my students have gained tremendously for my special classes. They're now suffering as a result of my lost motivation. It's important to me and the school to continue creating new classes and to be compensated in some way. Since the money isn't available, I would be satisfied if I could take one class period each day for a semester to develop my new class."

The principal's response was, "I can't spare you a period every day, but I would agree to three hours a week." Randy accepted this workable compromise.