Each of these two fighters is a walking army in and of himself. Teddy Roosevelt single-handedly started the Spanish-American War, and also managed to take the Panama Canal while the folks in congress were still debating over whether he had the right. He spent a great deal of his presidency pushing for the preservation of wildlife, which was pretty odd considering that he also exterminated much of the wildlife in Africa during his safaris. The Punisher, also known as Frank Castle, focuses his killing on people rather than animals, although he would probably argue that the people he kills are animals. He's spent most of his life murdering his way through the criminal underworld. Now he'll have to face a well-armed and well-trained politician, which fits very well with his MO of gunning for crooks and liars.
Round One:
Round Two:
Round Three:
Talk of the Tape:
Teddy Roosevelt: "A vote is like a rifle; its usefulness depends upon the character of the user."
The Punisher: "'Sic vis pacem parabellum.' Latin. Boot Camp Sergeant made us recite it like a prayer. 'Sic vis pacem parabellum' -- 'If you want peace, prepare for war.'"
Teddy Roosevelt is cruising around in the time machine he stole from H.G. Wells (see The Bully Pulpit), and happens to wander into the early 21st century. There, he accidentally smashes the machine into a parked van, just as its owner comes out. The van is the Punisher's war van, and the person who has just witnessed the accident is Frank Castle -- the Punisher. Despite the damage to his vehicle, Frank is willing to let the accident slide until he recognizes Teddy Roosevelt. As basic logic tells us, all politicians are criminals, and all criminals are potential targets for the Punisher. As such, Frank whips out a handgun and goes to finish off Teddy right then and there. It's not that easy, however, because Teddy always carries some guns of his own. However, seeing as the former president is wielding guns crafted in the late 1800s and the Punisher has automatic weaponry, there's a bit of an arms gap here. Teddy quickly finds himself running for cover and pinned down behind the smashed war van by suppressive fire from the Punisher. Round One goes to the Punisher.
The Punisher pauses to reload, and Teddy takes the opportunity to make his move. Diving into the war van itself, he emerges with some of the Punisher's own weaponry. The two warrior stare each other down in a John Woo-style standoff. Then Teddy breaks the tension by shouting, "Bully!" and firing away recklessly. The entire city block soon become riddled with bullet holes, and police and ambulances dispatched to the area have to stay back because they aren't equipped to deal with the kind of massive carnage on display here. Eventually, both combatants run out of ammo, and they're both pretty badly shot up. Still, they fight on, moving in to hand-to-hand combat. Round Two is a draw.
In hand-to-hand combat, the Punisher has a clear advantage over Teddy. Teddy Roosevelt never trained diligently for months with plans to take on super criminals and psychotic thugs in an undying search for vengeance. Instead, he just spent his time shooting at things. A lot of things, sure, but that's it. It's not like he ever wrestled a rhino to the ground with his bare hands or anything. So the Punisher mops things up pretty well, taking Teddy apart systematically. But the beaten and battered former president still has one trick left. Using a trick from his pen pal Charlton Heston, he regurgitates a gun he swallowed earlier that morning. He goes for the head shot, and catches the Punisher by surprise. Even for someone as ornery as the Punisher, a bullet to the head is enough to at least put him in a coma for the next six months. Victorious, Teddy rushes off into the night, and eventually makes his way to a wilderness preserve where he kills off all the protesting hippies and teaches them the real way to defend Mother Nature: by kicking the ass of anyone who tries to put his hand up her proverbial skirt. Round Three and the fight go to Teddy Roosevelt. Bully!
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