Round One:
The fight to determine who is the greatest graverobbing hero of all time begins not between Indiana Jones and Lara Croft but between their legions of obsessed fans. Both heroes are heartthrobs and have madly devoted fans who love them, and the two groups go at it first. The thing is, Indy's followers are all good-looking female grad students who can write legibly on their own eyelids. Lara's followers are mostly obsessed video gamers who play Tomb Raider for 18 hours straight because they've heard that Lara Croft appears naked after that much time. Most of them are incredibly awkward around women and don't know what to do with their foes. By the time they realize that they're being attacked and not flirted with, it's too late. Round One goes to Indiana Jones.

Round Two:
Having been slightly delayed because he was thwarting Hitler's attempts to recover the spear of Vlad the Impaler, Indy now swoops onto the battlefield swinging from his bullwhip. Lara arrives as well and dives toward him with a pair of guns blazing, forcing Indy to take cover against the barrage of bullets. Lara continues to fire until she's out of ammo, and then unleashes her most dangerous attack. She claps her unnaturally large breasts together, resulting in a sonic boom that leaves her foe on the verge of unconsciousness. Things certainly look bad for Indy as Lara closes in for the kill... Round Two goes to Lara Croft.