As has become a pattern for me, I plan on doing a presidential death match as autumn approaches. To kill time before then, I've decided to break out the presidential losers of the last two elections: Al Gore and John Kerry. Interestingly, both of these candidates defeated George W. Bush on this page. On the other hand, Dubya hasn't won a single fight he's been in, so maybe that's not so interesting. Either way, both Al Gore and John Kerry were known as wooden politicians lacking in personality. They also both managed to seriously screw up their campaigns, botching a chance to be president by only a few electoral votes. The poll here is all about the popular vote, so Gore probably likes his chances this time around.
Round One:
Al Gore spends the night before the fight staying up late and watching all of the Evil Dead movies so as to expand his repertoire of painful and horrible ways to kill zombies. John Kerry spends the night eating brains with a side plate of that beloved ketchup that made his wife so very rich. In the morning, the pair march into battle, pulled by an irresistible force to do battle with one another. John Kerry enters the fray with obsessive focus and a complete immunity to pain. Al Gore enters with a titanium skeleton and a pair of chainsaws. Hey, he didn't watch those movies without learning a thing or two.
As the battle begins, Kerry shambles about aimlessly, because the smell of blood and brains isn't easy to detect from a robot, even one meant to be a facsimile of a real human being. Gore takes advantage of Zombie Kerry's mindless confusion, and cuts his foe to ribbons using the chainsaws. Round One goes to Al Gore.
Round Two:
Round Three:
Talk of the Tape:
Al Gore: "A zebra does not change its spots."
John Kerry: "I would rather be the candidate of the NAACP than the NRA." (That's about as funny as Joh Kerry gets. What happened to people like Ronald Reagan, who could at least make me laugh while they messed up the country?)
Okay, here's a quick recap for those who aren't familiar with the way I treat politicians: Al Gore is a robot, and John Kerry is a zombie. How else do you explain Gore's droning monotone or the fact that Kerry's face seems to be melting off? Sure, Gore's gotten funnier since losing the 2000 election, but that's mainly because the writers of Futurama gave him a humor upgrade. These two monstrosities are here to satiate our curiosity over the age-old question of whether a robot can defeat a zombie.
The fight might seem over already, but it's not. John Kerry is no ordinary zombie -- he is empowered by whatever horrible dark forces gave him the Democratic nomination for president back in 2004. Even though he's been hacked into pieces, he's not out of it yet. Each of his severed limbs begins acting with a mind of its own, seeking to destroy Al Gore. Gore is swarmed by arms, legs, and Kerry's own severed head in a bizarre twist on zombie mythology. The severed body parts claw at his head, trying to feats on his computer-enhanced brains. In the fracas, Gore drops his chainsaws and switches to Death Mode 2: a pair of flamethrowers implanted in his wrists, cleverly concealed by a pair of Greenpeace cufflinks. Gore lights the flamethrower, and Kerry's assorted body parts go up like fireworks. Fire, after all, is a zombie's natural enemy. Kerry gets to smell his own cremated flesh, just before his nose melts right off his face. Round Two goes to Al Gore.
The fight may seem to be over now, but...um...oh, wait, it is over. Zombie John Kerry has been reduced to a pile of ashes, and there's no coming back from that. Al Gore spends round three sweeping up his opponents' remains. Then, being the environmentally conscious robot that he is, he boils it down to create a super fuel that will power his battery cells for the next six months. That provides a replacement for his usual source of fuel, which is a pint of fresh human blood. Why else do you think the Red Cross has all those blood drives? Round Three and the fight go to Al Gore.
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