The Culture War Quiz
Which American Do You Belong To?

by BRIAN FRAZER

Esquire, August 2004, volume 142, issue 2, page 96-97

 

(TALLY YOUR POINTS AS YOU GO ALONG)

1. Who should be on Mount Rushmore?

  1. Spiro Agnew, Calvin Coolidge, Ann Coulter, both Bushes. (-7)
  2. Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington, Teddy Roosevelt. (1)
  3. FDR, JFK, Bill Clinton, Paul Krugman. (3)
  4. Cesar Chavez, Howard Dean, one of Jefferson's slaves, Susan Sarandon. (9)

2. Which of these do you find offensive? (Subtract a point for each one circled.)

  1. Janet Jackson's nipple.
  2. Michael Jackson's nipple.
  3. The nipple on Michelangelo's David.
  4. The nipple on a baby bottle.
  5. Your own nipple.
  6. The nipple plug adapter on a digital camera.

3. How do you celebrate Flag Day?

  1. Saluting flag and lots of praying. (-3)
  2. Drinking a couple of beers on the porch after raising flag. (-1)
  3. Pretending to burn flag to freak out my douche-bag neighbors with the CAT DIESEL POWER hats. (2)
  4. Anal sex with my gay partner while wrapped in flag. (10)

4. Who killed Christ?

  1. The Jews. (-5)
  2. The Romans and Jews. (0)
  3. The Romans. (1)
  4. It's really hard to tell, seeing that it happened more than two thousand years ago. (3)
  5. The great-great-great-great-grandparents of Al Franken. (-8)

5. How well did the country handle the 2000 election controversy?

  1. Perfectly! Jeb Bush is a friggin' genius! (-2)
  2. The only way it could have been done fairly with the time constraints involved. (0)
  3. Great, if this were Liberia. (3)
  4. I have moved to Liberia. (8)

6. Army interrogators should be allowed to ...

  1. have a pleasant conversation with suspects over a jazz brunch. (5)
  2. tickle anyone who appears dangerous. (2)
  3. use nipple clamps and leashes. (-5)
  4. use nipple clamps and leashes while making suspects watch Le Divorce. (-10)

7. When you see a butt crack pixilated on TV, you ...

  1. thank the lord Jesus that the FCC saved you from that filth. (-4)
  2. declare aloud that Cops is the greatest show ever. (-2)
  3. wish you could have pixilated the electrician's ass. (0)
  4. freeze-frame it and try to masturbate before your roommate comes home. (5)

8. How much should the FCC fine Howard Stern for each violation?

  1. $300,000. (-5)
  2. $3,000. (-4)
  3. Fifty-three cents. (-1)
  4. Fuck you, asshole! (5)

9. How many times a week do you talk to God?

  1. I'm talking to him right now; please shut up. (-3)
  2. Every Sunday. (-2)
  3. Every night after nine, when my cell-phone plan has unlimited God minutes. (-1)
  4. Only during college football games. (1)
  5. You're talking about Clapton, right? (5)

10. Abortion should be permissible ...

  1. if the pope says it's okay. (-3)
  2. if the mother's life is endangered. (-1)
  3. if the father's life is endangered. (0)
  4. with a signed permission slip from Karl Rove. (-7)
  5. anytime, so long as it's not during Janeane Garofalo's radio show. (5)

11. Civil liberties are ...

  1. only for rich white people like me. (-3)
  2. for everyone, regardless of race, creed, or color. (2)
  3. Shut up, I'm trying to read Mother Jones! (5)
  4. Shut up, I'm writing a letter to the editor of Mother Jones! (8)

12. You believe the U. S. military should invade ...

  1. Haiti. (1)
  2. Iran. (-4)
  3. Belgium. (0)
  4. San Francisco's Castro district. (-9)

13. The war in Iraq is ...

  1. justified, because Saddam is evil and we gotta kick some Middle Eastern ass! (-2)
  2. justified, but only if weapons of mass destruction turn up. (1)
  3. justified, but only if weapons of mass destruction turn up in the next ten minutes. (3)
  4. unjustified, because every war is wrong, except for Grenada. Those medical students were in dire straits! (7)

14. Pick the review that most closely resembles your opinion of The Passion of the Christ.

  1. "Jews are evil people. I can't wait for the DVD." (-2)
  2. "Really good! Jesus truly did suffer for our sins." (-1)
  3. "Great, but they should have pixilated Jesus' nipples." (-6)
  4. "Mel Gibson is an Aramaic-speaking, right-wing nut bag." (4)
  5. "I wish it had more jokes." (8)

15. The 9/11 Commission ...

  1. is a witch hunt against our gallant leaders. (-1)
  2. should not have minorities like Condoleezza Rice testifying. (-8)
  3. is yet another reason the members of this administration need to be chucked out on their fat, lying asses. (3)
  4. should investigate why there's no u after the Q in Al Qaeda. (0)

16. Should the word God be mentioned in the Pledge of Allegiance?

  1. No! Separation of church and state. Remember, people? (2)
  2. Don't care. I'm sixty years old and don't plan on reciting it anymore. (0)
  3. Yes, that's why our country is so super-duper. (-1)
  4. Yes. In fact, God should be mentioned in Lemon Pledge commercials. (-4)

17. The Iraq war has ...

  1. totally eased the terrorist threat, duh! (-2)
  2. worsened the terrorist threat. (2)
  3. really screwed up my time-share in Fallujah. (-5)
  4. the potential to take airtime away from CNN's entertainment news. (4)

18. This picture is of ... [Not available]

  1. the greatest actor of his generation. (1)
  2. that Jeff Spicoli dude. (0)
  3. the guy who used to fuck Madonna. (2)
  4. an Al Qaeda terrorist. (-7)
  5. Hillary Clinton. (-4)

19. How do you feel about the pope saying that Sunday is for God, not sports?

  1. He's right. (-5)
  2. He's right, but then again, I hate sports. (-2)
  3. I think he's just bitter 'cause he was always the last chosen for dodgeball. (2)
  4. I think Sundays are for ignoring the pontiff and quaffing malt liquor. (6)
  5. He should shut up and stop wearing white after Labor Day. (10)

20. Bob Woodward's book Plan of Attack showed that ...

  1. Bush is a decisive leader with vision. (-7)
  2. Bush is a deluded, warmongering Jesus freak. (5)
  3. Bernstein was the better writer. (3)
  4. the president is an even bigger idiot than the retarded guy at the convenience store who always gives me back the wrong change. (9)

21. Circle the group(s) you could do without (adding the points in parentheses).

  1. The Bush administration (5)
  2. The ACLU (-3)
  3. MADD (0)
  4. The Heritage Foundation (3)
  5. The NRA (3)
  6. The Jeff Foxworthy fan club (9)
  7. Major League Baseball (1)

22. Complete this statement: "I think gay marriage is ..."

  1. wrong-o! (-3)
  2. gay. (-1)
  3. none of my business. (1)
  4. sexy. (8)

23. George Bush's weapons-of-mass-destruction joke was ...

  1. funny. He should do stand-up. (-5)
  2. funnier than Kilborn, not as funny as Leno. (-1)
  3. in very poor taste. Anybody who laughed at that oughta get a one-way ticket to Iraq. (2)
  4. about as funny as this: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "George Bush." "George Bush who?" "George Bush is an insensitive douche bag!" (7)

24. Unscramble the following letters. anitsyisapnieceofithh.

  1. Nitsyisapnieceofithha. (0)
  2. No. (1)
  3. I, Hannity, ace his soft pie. (2)
  4. Hannity is a piece of shit. (5)

RESULTS

-50 points or lower: You're so conservative, you think The 700 Club has drifted too far left.

0 to 50 points: You think both Howard Stern and Karl Rove need to take it down a notch.

51 or higher: You live in an ashram in Berkeley, own five LEGALIZE POT T-shirts, and drove your electric car to vote for Nader.