WORKSHOP 4 - UNDERSTANDING THE BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Table of Contents

WORKSHOP 4 - UNDERSTANDING THE BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS Exercise 1: Understanding Human Behavior
Exercise 2: Understanding Why Children Misbehave
Exercise 3: Encouraging the Discouraged
Exercise 4: Outside Sources
EVALUATION QUESTIONS

ACTIVITY HANDOUT

BEHAVIOR PATTERNS - Resource Handout

PROBLEM-SOLVING WORKSHOP - Resource Handout

PLAIN TALK ABOUT ADOLESCENCE - RESOURCE HANDOUT

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP KEEP COMMUNICATIONS OPEN *

SOME EXTRA TIPS TO PARENTS

Background

W
hen looking for techniques to help parents raise responsible children, many programs for parents on welfare assistance consider teaching new parenting skills. For some families, this may work. However, it may be unrealistic to expect most long-term poor parents to change their methods of parenting dramatically. Finding the resources to meet basic needs is always their major focus, leaving little time for pursuing and perfecting new problem-solving strategies.

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his workshop and the next look at 1) promoting better understanding of children and 2) ways to effectively set limits that encourage children to behave responsibly. Workshop 4 helps trainees recognize the developmental needs of children and why children misbehave. Workshop 5 then offers limit-setting strategies that focus on mutual respect rather than humiliating punishment as a way to promote increased self-esteem and independent problem-solving. Though these two workshops focus on parent/child relationships, any adult/child relationship will benefit from participation.

Common Parenting Styles for the Long-Term Poor

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or the parent in poverty, an authoritarian style is common. Many tend to demand rather than compromise, display limited outward affection, and communicate minimally with their children (Gecas). Often this style reflects the interpersonal realities of their environment: the style of shift supervisor, a social worker, a landlord, often their own parents. It is very difficult to change this style, given that this is often the parenting norm of the environment. It may even be dangerous to change this parenting style radically. With few democratic role models, authoritarian parents could easily become inconsistent, creating a confusion of expectations for children. Confused expectations only lead to more misbehavior. In dangerous rural or inner-city environments, the democratic focus on learning from natural consequences will often be dangerous to children and adolescents not used to making well- informed decisions. Radical changes in parenting styles may, in fact, add even more stress to the lives of families in poverty.

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evertheless, as teen pregnancy, substance abuse, and dropout rates rise, psychologists and educators feel that changes need to be made. A controlling family environment often leaves children relying on others - their parents, teachers - for direction and limits. This may ultimately lead to rebellion and to external control by such characteristically controlling individuals - e.g. drug dealers, gang leaders, and sexual partners looking for a sense of power. Such children never have a chance to develop skills aimed at positive self direction. Different techniques that encourage children to take control of their own behaviors need to be offered.

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hese changes can come about if parents see themselves as teachers, helping their children to operate within the limits of society and giving them the structure and attention they need in order to develop increased self-esteem. According to Dr. Thomas Jordan, children that come from "child-centered" homes consistently do better in school. Advocates of child-centered, democratic, parenting styles state that children who learn critical thinking skills and those who feel respected and loved are more likely to avoid self destructive behaviors (Hendricks, Adler). Development of self-control, the capacity to do better in school, and the strengths to choose to survive when the going gets rough are especially important for the child living in poverty.

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ffering information and skills related to these areas will be helpful to the trainees and those they help. All parents are looking for simple solutions that will keep their children from failing. All parents want ideas to improve their parent/child relationship. For the family in poverty, the key is to offer reasonable suggestions - ones that can be understood and implemented by parents under already stressful conditions.

Goal:

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o enable trainees to work more effectively with parents, children, and adolescents through increased understanding of human development and an awareness of resources available to adults struggling with difficult parenting issues.

Objectives:

- To teach trainees that all children misbehave when their needs are not being addressed;

- To clarify reasons for misbehavior, especially as they apply to the poverty neighborhood;

- To strategize ways to eliminate many of the misbehaviors related to basic needs;

- To teach the concept that all human beings need to feel that they "belong" and are loved.

Materials Needed:

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ewsprint, five magic markers, tape, refreshments, Gesell Spiral Diagrams for children and adolescents, measuring cup handout, basic scheduling worksheet, and a blank piece of paper for each participant. (Child Development handouts for ages infancy through teen years would also be helpful.)

Exercise 1: Understanding Human Behavior

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ll children misbehave, often as a way to communicate a problem. Young children, with limited verbal skills, often misbehave via actions - temper tantrums, biting, refusing to pick up toys, running and jumping when asked to "be quiet." Adolescents, who are more verbal, tend to argue points, threaten, and sometimes even run away or experiment with behaviors which obviously concern their parents such as drugs or premature sexual activity.

Activity 1: Brainstorming

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his exercise is an "ice breaker" aimed at encouraging trainees to talk openly about misbehaviors they have seen either in their own parenting situation or in the neighborhood. Once those typical misbehaviors at various age levels have been identified, the group will begin to look at reasons why children behave as they do and reasons children and adolescents need some restrictions in order to be productive members of society.

1. Have the group members brainstorm for the behaviors of children and adolescents that "drive them crazy." Write them on newsprint. With some urging, this activity becomes fun as trainees remember times that were difficult - that now may seem humorous. Your goal is to list as many misbehaviors at any age from infancy through age twenty as possible.

2. When the trainees can think of no more misbehaviors, announce that all of these "misbehaviors" are "normal." In fact, brighter children often "test limits" most often. Comment that clearly, some of the children they are talking about must be bright! Make sure you say that these behaviors are normal - but not necessarily "okay." Children and adolescents will need to behave within the limits of basic social norms. We will talk more in the next workshop about setting those limits.

Activity 2: Mini-lecture

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ass out the Gesell Spiral Diagrams. Give trainees a chance to look them over briefly. Have them think of their own children or children they know and compare the behaviors listed with what they themselves have observed. Explain the Gesell and his colleagues did nationwide surveys to identify common social behaviors of thousands of children at various age levels as listed on the handouts. Gesell found that as children's personalities develop, they display common "misbehaviors," as they struggle onto new levels of growth.

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ccording to Gesell, during early childhood and school age years, children go through six months of equilibrium - when they seem like a joy - followed by six months of disequilibrium - when they seem uncooperative and even rebellious. In adolescence, rather than six-month sequences, teens seem to have one-year periods of equilibrium followed by one year of disequilibrium. Different temperaments may affect the degree of misbehavior, but some degree of misbehavior is normal for every child.

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pend some time letting trainees discuss the relevancy of the chart to their own observations of children they know.

Exercise 2: Understanding Why Children Misbehave

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ost children misbehave to let adults know that their physical, emotional, or social needs are not being met. They misbehave as they deal with the stressors of moving from one developmental stage to the next (as on the Gesell Chart). They act out to let parents know they are bored or overstimulated (e.g., during the holiday season or the beginning of school). They misbehave when their environment is unpredictable and they are receiving insufficient (or too much) food, sleep, or intellectual or emotional stimulation. Children dealing with conflict, a loss in the family, an unsafe, chaotic neighborhood, or academic or social problems often react with negative behavior. Children in poverty often have additional reasons to misbehave and their parents have fewer resources to help them.

Activity 1: Brainstorming

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rainstorm with the group the reasons children misbehave. List all reasons on newsprint (tired, hungry, overstimulated, understimulated, scared, confused, unloved, angry, uncomfortable...) Talk about how some of these behaviors could be eliminated.

Activity 2: Scheduling

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pend some time focusing on consistent scheduling as a way to alleviate some childhood misbehaviors. Remind the group that, if any scheduling is to be used with adolescents, teens are more likely to cooperate if they have participated in the scheduling decisions.

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raw up a schedule that would be appropriate for the age group of greatest concern to your trainees. Have the trainees make suggestions and negotiate appropriate guidelines. Emphasize that, once a schedule is designed, it must be consistently (not rigidly) adhered to in order to be effective.

Exercise 3: Encouraging the Discouraged

Background:

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frequent cause of misbehavior which is often overlooked is the need to feel loved. All human beings need to feel like they are an important part of their world. Children especially look for love and attention in order to build up the self-esteem they need in order to face their world.

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elp the trainees identify with the feelings of discouraged children through asking them to recall a time when they felt left out of an important situation. Have them think about what others said or did that made them feel like an outsider - as if they did not "belong." How did they react to that situation? Did they get angry? Did they fight back in some way? Did they ignore it and walk away? Hand out the measuring cup illustration. Explain how the need to be loved is fulfilled by different sources throughout the different stages of life. In infancy, the parent is often the key support of love as babies feel bonded to their parents. As children grow older, they rely less and less on parents and move out to other social supports for love and approval. In teen years, pre-adolescents go back and forth, sometimes counting only on friends, sometimes becoming young children again looking for love and approval from parents. Eventually teens look mostly to their peers for love, approval, and a sense of belonging. Talk about how adults, too, need to feel like they are an important part of family and community. Use the measuring cup illustration to show how, when the cup is full, individuals operated at their optimum, with high levels of self-esteem. However, the emptier the measuring cup, the less able individuals are to cope with the challenges they encounter. In many cases, those struggling with challenges become hopeless, often turning to negative coping mechanisms like misbehavior in childhood, substance abuse and gangs in adolescence, and other negative dependencies in adulthood. Illustrate how discouraging words and actions can cause misbehaviors through the following example.

Activity Example

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and out a full-sized sheet of paper to each trainee. Explain that the sheet of paper represents the positive self-image of a boy named Jamie as he awakens one sunny morning. Explain that you will read a story about Jamie's day. (Text follows this section.) Have the trainees rip a piece from that paper each time they hear of something that happens to Jamie which may be discouraging - something that may tear away a part of his self-esteem.

Read the story.

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t the completion of the story, have the trainees show what is left of their paper. Ask them how much self-esteem Jamie has by the end of the day. Do they think Jamie should have whined or misbehaved? How would they have behaved under the some circumstances?

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alk about how children need to be built up rather than knocked down by our words and actions. No matter how hard we may try to encourage children, they live in a world where they are open to many situations where they feel unimportant and unloved. The role of parents and others who care about those around them is to try to fill their measuring cups in order to give those in need the self- esteem to help them be effective in their world.

Brainstorm ways to build up self-esteem through encouraging words and actions.

Exercise 4: Outside Sources

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and out information about resources that can respond to basic needs of children. (WIC, Headstart, Food Programs, Health Support Services...) Encourage trainees to contact these agencies to see how they can enhance the quality of life in the targeted neighborhood.

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and out program summaries of resources that aim at promoting a sense of belonging for children, adolescents, and adults (educational and recreational programming). Emphasize that, when others feel that they are a part of a group, they feel more powerful and are better able to cope with their environment. Which groups are most accessible? Are there groups the trainees might want to start themselves in order to offer some positive group situations in the targeted neighborhood?

Closing the Meeting

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lose by talking about the fact that all human beings "misbehave" at times. Through knowing why human beings misbehave, we, as helpers, can better design ways to alleviate the need to misbehave in order to cope with the world. In spite of all our efforts, however, individuals will continue to act out. The next workshop will focus on setting limits in cases where children and adolescents need to take responsibility for their misbehavior.

Program Evaluation

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sk the group members to fill out an evaluation form. Remind them that the evaluation will help you be more effective. Ask meeting participants to leave the evaluations with you as they go.

EVALUATION QUESTIONS

1. Name three reasons why children misbehave.



2. How can we encourage children?



3. Do you believe that, through simple scheduling, children will actually behave better?



4. Name three things that discourage youth in your neighborhood.



5. What did you like best about this workshop?



6. What is one thing about the workshop you would like to change?



ACTIVITY HANDOUT

Jamie's Story

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ive-year-old Jamie lives with his older brother Edward and his mom in an inner-city housing development. Mom works as a dental assistant at a local clinic. His father, who is currently living with a second wife, makes unannounced visits once in a while. Last night dad said he would stop by so mom could use his car to go grocery shopping while he visited with the kids - but dad never showed up.

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his morning mom yells up to Jamie to hurry up so he will not miss the bus. If he misses the bus, he misses school; mom does not have the time to find him another ride. His bedroom is cold; Jamie remembers the argument mom had with maintenance, trying to get more heat. He decided not to complain about the heat knowing it won't help. He quickly grabs his clothes, his brother's favorite shirt from when Edward was four, and his new pants mom picked up at Caldor's sale. He wishes he had the sneakers with Spiderman on the side - the ones all the kids are wearing. He can't understand why he can't have them.

He goes down for breakfast - Cheerios again - with no milk, since mom didn't get to the grocery store. Jamie decides not to eat.

"Eat that cereal," demands Mom. "Stop giving me a hard time!" She is concerned because the pediatrician questioned Jamie's low weight during the last check-up.

Jamie slowly eats, knowing it will soon be time to go. "Hurry up! My ride is leaving for the clinic!" urges Mom.

She hands Jamie his lunch bag, hands him his old jacket and hurries him out the door toward the bus stop. "Have a good day!" she says, giving him a kiss as she hurries to a neighbor's car.

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amie is pretty nervous at this bus stop. There are lots of kids. He wishes his older brother was with him, but he had gone on an earlier bus. Jamie is afraid of a seven-year-old boy, Jacob, who picks on everyone, especially him. Jacob seems to be waiting for his arrival this morning. He pokes at Jamie's lunch, trying to take it away from him. With no adults in sight Jamie is sure he will end up having to use a free lunch ticket once Jacob gets hold of his bag. Fortunately, the bus arrives. Jacob shoves Jamie out of the way as the line forms to board the bus. Jamie goes to the end of the line.

The noisy bus ride is uneventful except for the fact that Jamie had to sit in an assigned seat with two girls.

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t school Jamie hurries to class avoiding Jacob. Miss Marshall, his teacher, greets him warmly. Jamie likes Miss Marshall; he can tell that she likes him. On this particular day, Miss Marshall introduces Jamie to another teacher. "This teacher is going to have you play some games with her, Jamie. She is going to see how she can help you with your counting." Jamie cannot understand why Miss Marshall would make him leave his class to be with this strange teacher. He'd rather be with Miss Marshall, but he follows the other teacher.

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fter what seems like hours of games, Jamie yawns. He forgets what he should be doing as he remembers the noisy fight outside his bedroom window late last night. A group of teens were partying.

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he teacher brings him back to his classroom. He hears the teacher talk about how tired and distracted he is. The teacher talks about his mom and questions whether she is taking good care of him. When the teachers notice he is listening, he is sent to his seat. During reading Jamie thinks about how hard his mom works and wonders why the teacher would say those things. As the bell rings, he hands in his incomplete paper.

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he rest of the day has its ups and downs. He has a peanut buffer sandwich for the fourth time this week - and he forgets his milk ticket. Susie Sasso makes fun of his old sneakers. But all in all it hasn't been that bad. Miss Marshall seems to like him...

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e dreads getting on the bus with Jacob. At least when he gets home, he can show his mom his beautiful art picture he has finally completed. He carefully hides it from Jacob, fearing the picture might be grabbed and destroyed. He doesn't mind the teasing of the boys when he has to sit with two girls. At least the girls leave him alone.

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fter school, he hurries to the babysitter's house. She is pretty crabby today. All the kids have to stay in and watch TV because it has started raining. Five kids plus the new baby in that small apartment make it pretty hectic. Finally, at five o'clock, his mom picks him up.

"Hurry," she says. "I've got a ride to the food store. Let's go!" "But I want to show you my drawing," Jamie whines. "Stop the whining. I'll look at your paper when we get home. I just know it's beautiful." Mom tries to calm him. "Now let's go find your brother and get to the store."

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amie is tired and hungry. He complains throughout the shopping, though his mom lets him push the cart and tries to keep him happy. By the end of shopping both mom and the boys are ready to shoot each other. Mom tells them to behave in the car or no dessert.

They arrive home at seven....

BEHAVIOR PATTERNS - Resource Handout

(Based on Behavior Patterns initially developed by Dr. Arnold Gesell)

Disequilibrium Equilibrium
12 years
- comfortable with self
- steady
- independent
11 years **
- craves attention, closeness to parents
- contrary, questions
- suggests ways parents can improve
10 years *
- parents' word is law
- friendly
- straightforward
- flexible
- predictable
9 years
- lives within self
- sullen, cross
- more interested in friends
- perfecting skills
- worries, goes to pieces
- complaints - stomach ache, headache ...
8 years
- nothing is too difficult
- expansive, speedy
- enjoys new experiences
- obeys, if you insist
- wants close relationship
with parent
7 years
- withdrawn age
- complainer, moody
- likes to be alone
- misses directions
- detours along the way
- demands too much of self
6 1/2 years
- brief transitional period to 7
5 1/2 years **
- violently emotional
- love - hate
- is center of world
- rigid in demands
- "No, I won't"
- Mine
5 years *
- "He's almost too good!"
- likes to do things for adults
- reliable, stable, well-adjusted
4 1/2 years
- shocking language
- profanity, bathroom words
- defies parental authority
- tall tales
- thin line between fact and fiction
4 years
- out of bounds
- very active, motorly,
verbally, and imagination-wise
3 1/2 years
- insecure, uncoordinated
- stuttering? tension outlets, crying
- whining
- Do you love me?
3 years
- conforms
- shares, cooperates
- people important
- entertains self
- loves new, different, big, surprise
2 1/2 years **
- contrary - to parents
- rigid, inflexible
- domineering, **
- demanding
- violent emotions
- limitless (perseveration)
2 years
- runs, climbs, talks more easily
- less frustration
- good nature, more loving
- responsive
18 months
- No! cannot wait
- taking time - not sharing
- immature motorly
- lure . . . don't demand

* ages of good equilibrium

** peak ages at odds with self, environment

PROBLEM-SOLVING WORKSHOP - Resource Handout

Everyone Needs to Belong - To Be Loved

INFANCYPRESCHOOL SCHOOLAGE

---------------- ---------------- ---------------- | / | / | / ------| / ------| Friends / ------| Teacher / | | | | | | | | | | | Parents | | | Parents | | | Friends | ------| | ------| | ------| | | | | | | Parents | | | | | | | -------------- -------------- -------------- PRE-TEENS (EARLY TEEN/PREADOLESCENCE) ---------------- ---------------- | / | / ------| Parents / ------| Friends / | | | | | | | | Friends | | | Parents | ------| | ------| | | | | | | | | | -------------- -------------- Depends on the Day TEEN YEARS ADULT ---------------- ---------------- | / | / ------| Parents / ------| Co-Workers / | | | | | Friends | | | Friends | | | Family | ------| | ------|Significant | | | | Other | | | | | -------------- -------------- WHEN THE CUP IS FULL WHEN THE CUP IS 1/2 FULL WHEN THE CUP IS EMPTY ---------------- ---------------- ---------------- | / | / | / ------| / ------| / ------| Hopeless- / | | Everybody | | |Misbehavior | | | ness | | | is | | | | | | Powerless- | ------| Happy | ------| | ------| ness | | | | | | Giving Up | | | | | | | -------------- -------------- --------------

PLAIN TALK ABOUT ADOLESCENCE - RESOURCE HANDOUT

(National Institute of Mental Health,

Division of Scientific and Public Information)

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES

Public Health Service

Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Administration

5600 Fishers Lane, Rockville, Maryland 20857

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Also available from the Consumer Information Center, Pueblo, Colorado 81009: An Adolescent in Your Home, 105J. $1.00. 27 pp. 1978, on physical and emotional needs and problems of adolescents; areas of conflict; and ways to promote understanding. The section "How Parents Can Help Keep Communications Open" was adapted from Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 438, "Parent-Teenager Communication: Bridging the Generation Gap," available for $.50 from the Public Affairs Committee, Inc., 381 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016.

I
n the United States, adults generally view adolescence as a period of friction, change, and problems. Many teenagers would agree. For most boys and girls, adolescence starts between the ages of 10 and 14 and continues to between 19 and 21.

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or the teenager, it is a time of concern about acne, weight problems, menstruation, late development, early development, sexual arousal, school pressures, boredom, parental hassles, peer pressures, and money problems.

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t is a time of confused feelings, particularly in relationships with parents. Teenagers fight for independence yet fear too much freedom; they resent overprotection but need and want parental attention.

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or parents, it is a challenge to keep a balanced perspective on their teenager's emotional roller coaster ride. As their children bounce back and forth between childhood and adulthood, alternating irresponsibility with responsibility, blatantly testing parental authority one moment and depending on it the next, parents often do not know what to expect. They must maintain needed discipline, yet they understand their teenager's growing need for independent action, even for rebellion.

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t's easy to understand why many parents and adolescents find this such a difficult period to "survive." But, once it is over, even the most rebellious child often becomes appreciative, affectionate, and devoted. With maturity comes the realization that much of their parents' behavior, once so irritating, was motivated by feelings of love for them. Also, having children of their own brings understanding of the pressures their parents faced.

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arents should also be aware of their own imperfections. At times, lack of knowledge, poor advice, community pressures, or their own stresses can cause them to overreact to teenage behaviors. To avoid making the same mistakes as their parents, or to make up for what they missed in their childhood, parents sometimes make mistakes themselves.

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dolescence is a trying period, but it is also an exciting one. If parents and teenagers keep tuned in to each other, this period may seem less trying and more fun to everyone.

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP KEEP COMMUNICATIONS OPEN *

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hen asked about their problems with parents, teenagers most often cite "not being listened to." Really listening is not always easy. Nor is communicating. Some of the following suggestions may help.

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ive your undivided attention when your teenager wants to talk to you. Don't read, watch TV, fall asleep, or make yourself busy with other tasks.

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ry to listen calmly, even though there may be a difference of opinion. Concentrate on hearing and understanding your teenager's point of view. Don't start preaching when a give-and-take discussion is wanted.

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evelop a courteous tone of voice in communication. Respect brings respect - even in the way we speak. If we talk to our offspring as we talk to other people, our own youngsters might be more likely to seek us out as confidants. Gruffness or abruptness can arouse hostility, whereas a pleasant tone of voice can pay great dividends in improved relationships.

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void making judgments. Anyone avoids confiding in someone who is critical of his or her behavior. It is not necessary to approve all of your teenager's behavior, but it is important to understand the feelings involved. Putting yourself in another's place is not easy, particularly as attitudes, pressures, and choices change. It is a challenge for a parent to be firm enough about important values while being flexible enough to bend with changing times.

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eep the door open on any subject. Too often teenagers avoid discussing things that may make their parents feel uncomfortable. Belittling, humiliating, and laughing at youngsters can cause deep wounds and short circuit the lines of communication. Teenagers often pay a very high price for not having the right information about many subjects, including sex.

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ermit expression of ideas and feelings. Many young people have their own ideas about morality, marriage, work, education, time, money and whatever else is a part of our way of life. Just because their views and philosophies are different from yours does not mean that they feel certain about them. Often young people "test' their ideas in conversation. To communicate, you must be willing to listen first and acknowledge their opinions, even if you are alarmed by them. Then give your viewpoints as plainly and honestly as you can, recognizing that love and mutual respect can exist, even when points of view are different.

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ncourage positive self-worth. Help your youngster build confidence by encouraging (but not forcing) participation in sports, music, art, dance or any other hobby or interest.

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e aware of how you treat other children in the family. Do you show favoritism? This could make a child feel rejected, unloved and jealous. Try to be fair and consistent. It will pay off.

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ake an effort to say nice things. Too often parents tend to focus on poor performance and behavior. Every human being needs acceptance and appreciation.

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old family conferences. Most teenagers feel they have little or no voice in family affairs. Family gatherings offer an excellent opportunity for children to participate in decision-making and work things out together.

How Teenagers Can Help

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hat responsibilities does a teenager have in trying to bridge the generation gap? The following code of communication was formulated with the assistance of both young people and adults:
"The first barrier to communication which I must cast aside is the attitude of ignoring anybody over 30-years-old. If I expect my parents to tune into me, then I must be willing to talk to them."

"Our generation wants understanding from our elders. In turn, it is only fair that we try to understand them - they have needs and feelings and reasons for their decisions."

"I will listen to my parents with an open mind and look at the situation from their point of view. That's the way I would expect them to treat me."

"I will share more of my feelings with my parents. They may have experienced some of the same problems. I need to give them a chance to help me."

"I want my parents to express trust and confidence in me, to grant me more freedom and responsibility as I mature. It is necessary, then, that I live up to their confidence. What I do reflects on them, and they are held accountable for my actions and behavior."

"Exercising the right to criticize my family, school, or government includes the responsibility to suggest how practical improvements can be made."

"To promote better communication in the family, I will practice courtesy and consideration for others. I will let my parents know I care about them. They are affected by pressures and problems of everyday living just as I am. I will try to cheer them up when they need a lift."

SOME EXTRA TIPS TO PARENTS

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n addition to improving communication, there are actions parents can take to help their adolescent through the teenage years. The old saw, "actions speak louder than words," is particularly appropriate where parental influence on children is concerned.

1. Try to set a good example. Children learn by what they see. Too often people say one thing and do another. "Do as I say and not as I do" will not carry much weight. Eventually children will ask such questions as, "What's wrong with smoking pot when my parents get stoned on alcohol?"

2. Supervise and guide. Although teenagers are capable of handling certain privileges and responsibilities, they still need help in setting limits on their freedom and behavior. Deciding with the teenager what these limits and policies are usually elicits more reasonable attitudes. Moderate and selective guidance is one of the best ways to prevent a breakdown of communication.

3. Communicate, in words and actions, what you expect of your children. Although teenagers may appreciate a share in some decision-making, they do not want parents to give up authority or to be wishy-washy. Parents who appear confused about firmness and discipline, who are inconsistent, or who disagree between themselves can be perceived as weak and divided. Teenagers need the security of knowing where parents stand and what parents expect of them.

4. Respect the adolescent's desire for individuality and independence. Parents do, and should, attempt to influence their children, but this is quite different from trying to force them into preconceived molds to fit parents' desires. Parents can accept and respect their teenagers as individuals without accepting all their ideas. The reverse is also true; teens can maintain respect for parents while rejecting some of their beliefs. One expert in family problems suggests that parents assume the role of watchful bystanders, ready to come forward when help is needed.

5. Take an interest in your children's activities and friends. This helps to reduce the distance between the generations, since it demonstrates your acceptance of their world. Give the youngsters time to be with their friends and make their friends welcome when they come to visit. Taking an interest in your children's activities and friends does not mean taking on the role of friend or invading your child's privacy. Teenagers need separateness and privacy just as parents do.

6. Try not to overreact. Many parents brace themselves for the onslaught of adolescence, convinced that it is bound to be a long, hard struggle. Consequently, they are quick to overreact the first time their teenager steps but of line. They punish severely, withdraw trust, and lose confidence in the youngster, thus severing the lines of communication. It is only natural for adolescents to test their parents' authority while trying to assert themselves. At the same time, they are trying out their own competence. Parents must let their children make mistakes - and at the same time be ready to help when help is needed.

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t is not realistic to expect complete harmony between the generations. Nor is it pleasant to live through a period of bickering and strain, no matter how temporary. When both parents and teenagers make efforts to communicate and respect each other, adolescence can be an exciting period of discovery for all concerned.

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