WORKSHOP 2 - COMMUNICATION - LISTENING WORKSHOP 1: Values Awareness

Table of Contents

WORKSHOP 2 - COMMUNICATION - LISTENING Exercise 1: Understanding the Value of Communication Skills
Exercise 2: Reinforcing Good Listening Skills

Exercise 3: Developing a Reflective Vocabulary

Exercise 4: Practicing Listening Skills

Exercise 5: Identifying Outside Resources

EVALUATION QUESTIONS

FINDING PROFESSIONAL HELP - Resource Handouts

SOME PRACTICE IN REFLECTIVE LISTENING -

Background

M
urders, suicides, gangs, unsafe neighborhoods, limited finances, frequent illness, constant incidents of rejection, frequent losses ....If anyone has problems to worry about, it is the family living in poverty. If anyone needs good listeners to untangle the web of constant crisis, it is the individual struggling to move toward a better quality of life.

I
n these neighborhoods, good friends who possess the skills to help solve problems are rare. Isolation means access to fewer friends. Single parenting and lack of contact with other adults creates emotional voids that strip parents of the tolerance they need to deal with their families. Poor parents avoid professionals to deal with family problems, fearing lack of understanding or accusations of abuse and neglect. They wonder if those of the middle class can possibly understand the problems of the poor.

A
ll too often a situation needing only simple intervention escalates into a crisis. Families in poverty need help while their problems are still manageable. They need support as they connect with helping agencies for problems that have moved beyond the simple solution stage. Information sharing alone does not work; the support and skills of someone who cares are essential to create real change.

C
ommunication skills - speaking and listening and problem-solving skills are key to empowering Master Teachers to be effective. The modeling of these skills by the trainer and later by Master Teachers will establish a chain of mentoring that can result in long-term change for families in poverty.

T
hese next two chapters will focus on communication skills. Situations will include common family problems and community problems. The emphasis is on effective speaking and listening skills to help neighbors, relatives, and friends. We will also stress assertiveness to help Master Teachers work with clients and give themselves needed time off.

Goal:

T
o prepare trainees to be effective in their communities by reinforcing their listening skills and by creating an awareness of their other special problem-solving skills. To provide referral information for specialized interventions.

Objectives:

- To help trainees understand the difference between open and closed listening styles.

- To familiarize trainees with a vocabulary of "good" and "bad" feelings so they can listen more effectively and understand reasons for misbehavior.

- To reinforce techniques of reflective listening that are key to effective problem-solving.

- To familiarize potential Master Teachers with techniques to use when the listening process becomes overwhelming.

- To familiarize program participants with services available for support and referral.

Materials Needed:

N
ewsprint, magic markers, handouts describing different types of listeners (if desired), a posted list of "good" and "bad" feelings, handouts listing support groups for mental and physical problems, professional medical services, clinical services, community action agencies, etc.

B
egin the evening by reintroducing the trainees and sharing any news about the program. Collect paperwork such as applications, mileage and babysitting forms, etc. Ask if there are any questions or problems.

Exercise 1: Understanding the Value of Communication Skills

G
ood listening skills enhance interpersonal relations in families, in the workplace, and in the community. Communication is key to preventing problems. The parent who cannot afford Valentine's Day candy for a child's class can avoid the child's tears by focusing on her feelings when breaking the disappointing news. The parent of the twelve-year-old boy who skipped school can avoid a major conflict by listening to and addressing the boy's rationale for skipping school. The teen can help his friend avoid a fight by listening and helping him find a more appropriate way to deal with the problem. Quality listening skills are an effective preventive technique and a useful problem-solving tool.

Activity:

Communication: Open and Closed Listening Styles (Mini-lecture, large group role-play.) (Before the formal meeting begins, ask one of your more outgoing steering committee members to think of a problem in his/her family or community that he/she would feel comfortable sharing with the group.)

A. Mini-lecture: Good listeners have a style that lets the speaker know he/she is heard, understood, and cared about. A good reflective listener helps a speaker sort out emotions and issues and put the pieces together to make a problem more manageable.

This exercise begins by pointing out listening techniques that close communication and are useless to a client. It ends with a reflective listening exchange that helps the speaker clarify his/her problem. The emphasis of this exercise is to encourage trainees to focus on their own feelings as they listen to each situation.

B. Position yourself where all group members can see and hear you easily. Ask your "volunteer trainee" to sit beside you. Let the group know that you will be doing a communication exercise, but give no more information.

Part 1

1. Ask the volunteer to begin talking about his/her problem. As he/she talks, use the "know-it-all" method to respond. Be sure to overemphasize the body language of a powerful, imposing, inhibiting helper.

"The Know-It-All"

The "know-it-all" emphasizes his/her superiority by lecturing, advising, and appealing to reason. He/she views others as incapable of dealing with their own problems acting as though only he/she has the answers and the speaker better shape up and listen.

2. Continue the conversation for about three minutes, being as inappropriate as possible.

3. Ask the volunteer how he/she felt when you "listened." Ask group members how they felt as they listened to the exchange.

4. List the speaker's feelings on a piece of newsprint entitled "KNOW-IT-ALL." Comment on the body language during that exercise. Explain that the "know-it-all" style is useless. This is a form of closed communication.

Part 2

Ask for another volunteer to share a minor problem with the group. This time listen as you would if you were "the judge."

"The Judge"

The "judge" pronounces a person guilty without a trial, proving that he/she is always right and the others are wrong. For judges, the answers to life are always clear-cut. "The boy is wrong. When I was young, you simply did not do things that way." The body language is inhibiting and pompous.

Follow the steps in Part I.

Part 3

Ask for another volunteer to share a minor problem. Then act as the "consoler."

"The Consoler"

The "consoler" pats the speaker on the back, pretending that there is no real problem. He/she thinks a pat on the back and kind words will make everything better. Consolers make light of things: "It's only your mother's old car." "It's only puppy love." (Dinkmeyer, McKay).

Follow the steps in Part 1.

Part 4

Ask the first volunteer to return to the chair next to you and talk about his/her problem again. This time, reflect his/her feelings, aiming to clarify the problem. When reflecting remember:

- Body language is important. Use eye contact and a relaxed, attentive posture. - Do not parrot the speaker. - Listen carefully and try to give back to the speaker the feeling you hear and the problem that causes that feeling. - Reflect until the problem seems clear.
(For more information on reflective listening, refer to any popular parent education manual.)

C. Do not problem-solve during this session. Discourage others from problem-solving.

At the end of the reflecting exercise, ask the speaker to tell how he/she felt about the situation. Write the comments on newsprint. Ask group members how they felt and why. Emphasize that clarifying the problem may sometimes be more helpful to a client than going through the whole problem-solving process. Explain that reflective listening keeps communication open.

Exercise 2: Reinforcing Good Listening Skills

Teach the group the steps of good reflective listening. Discuss:

- body language

- eye contact

- listening for the feeling behind the problem

- listening for the situation that creates the feeling

- giving back to the speaker your perception of what this problem is about, emphasizing that it is a perception that should be left open for correction.

On newsprint write the following:

The reflective message:

YOU SEEM BECAUSE
(feeling)(reason for feeling)

Then give a few clear examples of reflecting responses as they might relate to a problem situation.

- In responding to the tenant who yells,

"I'll never buy anything from that company again!" -

a reflective listener might say:

"Boy!, I bet you're frustrated because that stove you bought keeps breaking."

or more simply;

"You seem frustrated because your stove keeps breaking."

- In response to the mom who says,

"She failed again. I give up!" -

a reflective listener might say:

"You seem to feel like giving up because Ellen keeps bringing home bad grades."

or more simply;

"You seem discouraged because of your daughter's bad grades."

- In response to the woman who says,

"I could never ask Tony (a boyfriend) to leave when he acts the way he does." -

a reflective listener might say:

"Could it be that you are afraid to kick Tony out of the house because he might hurt you?"

or simply;

"You seem afraid because Tony might hurt you.

Exercise 3: Developing a Reflective Vocabulary

A. Tell the group that reflecting is not always easy, especially for those who have never been encouraged to express their feelings. Before you practice reflecting, develop a list of "feelings" words.

B. Brainstorm with the group, listing on newsprint words that express positive feelings.

C. Brainstorm with the group a list of words that express negative feelings.

D. Keep the lists visible as you go on with this workshop.

Exercise 4: Practicing Listening Skills

A. Review the steps of reflective listening. Ask for a volunteer to share a problem. The problem must be real if the exercise is to work. Reflect until the problem is clear. DO NOT PROBLEM-SOLVE.

B. Have the group split into pairs. Ask one person to share a problem and the other to practice reflective listening. The goal of the exercise is to identify the heart of the problem. Help each group through the process.

C. Reunite the group and have everyone discuss the exercise. Ask for a volunteer pair to role-play their reflective process for the group. Highlight what worked during the role-play.

D. Close by explaining that reflecting is primarily for working through serious, not simple, problems.

E. Explain that a good reflector can get very fired when listening to too many problems. It is okay to hint that you must end a session. It is okay to say, "I'm just too worried about something else to listen right now - let's talk later," or "I've tried to help you, and you have not followed through. When you follow through on the first step, I'll help you move on." Make sure trainees know that it's important to say no when necessary and that there are gentle ways of doing this.

Exercise 5: Identifying Outside Resources

E
xplain that there will be times when the client simply needs to find a specialized resource. He/she will often need support to follow through on a contact. Hand out the resource pages that summarize available support groups, counseling services, and community groups. Explain how to use the resource pages, how to make effective contacts, and the importance of not giving up if the initial contact does not work. Trainees should place these handouts in their notebooks under "Support Groups" to be used for future reference. (See sample resource page at the end of this section.)

Closing The Meeting

C
lose the meeting with some encouraging words about the skills the trainees already have. Ask group members to try reflecting with someone during the week and to report back their experiences at the next meeting. Ask if there are any questions about tonight's workshop. Tell the group that the next session will focus on speaking skills, including assertiveness training and problem- solving techniques. Make a special note of the effort each group member made to be at the meeting.

Program Evaluation

A
sk the group members to fill out an evaluation form. Remind them that the evaluation will help you be more effective. Ask meeting participants to leave the evaluations with you as they go.

EVALUATION QUESTIONS

1. Name one thing you do that makes you a good listener.



2. Name one thing you will change to make yourself a better listener.



3. What is the most important thing you learned this evening?



4. What did you like best about this workshop?



5. What is one thing in this workshop you would change?



FINDING PROFESSIONAL HELP - Resource Handouts

T
hroughout the training, trainees should receive information about specific agencies that focus on helping families at risk. Attempting to match agency resources with the training topic at hand would be most effective. For example:

A
s a follow-up to Workshop 2, an agency handout listing quality counseling professionals would be appropriate.

A
follow-up to Workshop 4 related to parenting might include a list of agencies that focus on child care, education or enrichment activities that match the developmental needs of children.

A
gain, the trainees and the steering committee of each training group will identify their needs. The trainer has the responsibility to identify appropriate resources.

Sample Agency Listing

Pregnancy and Child Care Services

A. Birthright of Pioneer Valley

Director: Helen Seragusa

M
ercy Hospital Memorial House
2
71 Carew Street
S
pringfield, MA 01104
(
413) 732-6104 (24-hour answering service)

Overview: Birthright provides health services for pregnant women. These include physical examinations, education services, nutrition assistance, information and referral and individual and group counseling for a variety of personal problems.

Fees: None

Eligibility: Any female in the Pioneer Valley with a pregnancy problem.

Hours: Vary

B. University of Massachusetts Cooperative Extension Springfield Master Teacher in Family Life Program

Contact:Margaret D. Slinski
District Specialist
Pioneer Valley District
University of Massachusetts
Cooperative Extension
15 Straw Avenue
Northampton, MA 01060
(413) 736-7204

Overview: Current Springfield Master Teacher programming offers ongoing support and information to residents in the Mason Square area and in Springfield Housing Development. Trained resident Master Teachers are currently offering programming focusing on prevention of premature sexual activity for youth through youth activities teaching problem-solving skills. One-to-one mentoring of pregnant and/or parenting teens is also available.

Fees: None

Eligibility: Resident of Mason Square or Springfield Housing Authority areas.

(This entry is copied from the 1987 United Way First Call Directory.)

SOME PRACTICE IN REFLECTIVE LISTENING -

Supplemental Exercise

You can use these examples to practice the feeling words brainstormed in Exercise 3.

J
ames is a fifteen-year-old boy who has tried to do well in school. This year he is feeling a lot of pressure from friends to "take a few days off." He has resisted so far. On this particular school day, James flunked a math quiz, was accused of not doing some homework he could not find in his history book, and, on the way home from school, met three old friends who had had a wonderful day in the park (had skipped school).

J
ames arrives home from school, slams his books on the table, and announces to his mom, "I hate school! I'm quitting and getting a job so I can earn some money!"

J
ulie is a working mom who has three young children. She brings the children to day care at 7 a.m., gets to her job at 7:30. She works till 4, picks up the children and arrives home at 5:30. She is new in Springfield and has no family to help out. In her neighborhood, marked with a high degree of drug dealing, she knows no one.

O
n this particular day, the alarm clock does not go off. When Julie awakens, she is running one hour late. She hurries the children out of bed, dresses two of them, grabs some dry cereal and fruit and rushes to the bus stop to catch a late bus. She hurriedly drops the children off at the day care, leaving the rest of the cereal and clothes, and hurries to catch another bus to get to work. Her workday, which began with the supervisor questioning her tardiness, consists of one problem after another. Stressed out from the way her day began, Julie has a tough day.

W
hen Julie arrives back at the day care, one of the newer child care workers greets her with, "Your children have had a terrible day today because of their chaotic morning. You need to be more organized."

Julie responds, "I wish I never had these kids!"

N
ow try reflecting in teams....You can use a personal problem or make up a situation which may be common to families living in the neighborhoods we are working in.

Reflective Listening

"Good Feelings" "Bad Feelings" | When we reflect in listening,
happy unloved | we are trying to help the person
encouraged hated | in need truly understand their
satisfied hurt | problem. Through clarifying
proud dumb | their feelings about what is
accepted disliked | happening, the person will:
comfortable unable |
listened-to angry | A) feel better about the problem
grateful sad | at hand and let the situation
thankful revengeful | take care of itself, or
liked helpless | B) set up a situation for prob-
excited guilty | lem-solving that will work.
interested embarrassed |
safe frightened | With good reflective listening,
wanted bored | the person in need will begin
great anxious | to feel some control of the
loved indifferent | situation at hand. This will
confident upset | empower them to work effectively
able worried | on that problem.

Step 1 Let the person know you respect him/her by taking the time to set up a good listening situation with few distractions and enough time to listen effectively.

Step 2 Concentrate on what is being said. Make eye contact. Try to listen more than respond.

Step 3 Listen and reflect the feelings behind the problem stated.

"You sound frustrated because the landlord keeps saying he will help, but never follows through."
Step 4 Avoid the "closed responses" of the judge, Consoler, or Know-It- All.

Step 5 Do not make every situation a problem-solving session. Often good reflective listening helps the person in need solve the problem him/herself. Sometimes they will need to explore alternatives to solve the problem. We will cover that in our next session.

Supplemental Exercise - STYLE OF LISTENING

Commander in Chief

Persons who play the role of the commander in chief are interested in keeping things under control. They tell the person in trouble to "get rid of the bad feelings" and take control of their lives. They order, command, demand, or threaten the person in need, thinking that, through demand, the person they are helping will be forced to "feel better."

The Moralist

The moralists find the solutions to problems via their own value system and life's experience. "You should do this; you should do that" is a common line offered. They feel their ideas of what will work best should be the starting point for problem-solving, forgetting that the person in need might live in different circumstances with different pressures affecting their behavior.

The Know-It-All

These persons have all the "right" answers because they feel they know everything about the problem. They lecture, quote facts and figures, and often act superior to the person in need. They feel they have helped the person by giving information with the expectation that person in need will use that information in order to solve their problem.

The Judge

These listeners feel they are always right. No matter what the person in need feels might help the situation, the judge will decide if the solution is right according to his judgment. The judge is always interested in proving that he or she is right and others are likely wrong when they disagree.

The Critic

Critics try to change behavior through criticism, ridicule, cajoling and subtle comments with hidden agendas. Their method can be especially discouraging as the person in need is consistently "beaten down" with ridicule and joking relative to their problem.

The Psychologist

Psychologists try to analyze the problem, often with too little information and skills to make a difference. They quote "experts" and theory as a way to offer answers. They exasperate the person in need with too many questions as they try to find the "issue at hand."

The Consoler

Consolers try to make things better through a sympathetic ear and lots of stroking. They often make light of problems that seem much more serious to the person in need. They often tell the person in need "Things will be all right. I'll be there for you."

(Information taken from Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary D. McKay.)

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