How To Help Someone You Care About Who Has Experienced Gender Based Violence
Unless you are a trained victim's advocate, the three best things you can do are provide a place for your friend to vent their emotions, validate their feelings, and refer them to someone with experience and expertise such as the UVM Victim's Advocate - advocate@uvm.edu or 656.7892
If your friend has been sexually assaulted or is experiencing relationship violence, you can expect them to be experiencing some combination of fear, anger, guilt, shame, mistrust, and disconnection. They may have experienced the fear of losing their life and as a result be afraid of everything around them. Your friend may be angry at the perpetrator but also angry at her or himself and at friends and family. Even if the survivor seems to know it is not their fault, they may experience shame and guilt. So much of our society tells them they are at least partially responsible. As most assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knows, they certainly may be feeling a lack of trust for those around them and the extreme stress, anxiety, loss of sleep and feeling as though they have lost control makes many survivors feel as though they are disconnected from normal life.
You can help your friend. You can help them focus on their strengths and provide a place for them to vent their emotions, even anger. You can help them understand that no one is responsible for being raped and that they have the right to feel a lack of trust for others. You can help them understand that it is normal to feel unstable under such difficult circumstances. Here's how you can help.
Refer them to an Advocacy Service
Advocacy services such as the UVM Victim's Advocate are the most complete resource for your friend at this difficult time. They can answer questions, provide a large number of options and be with your friend through medical and legal processes, not to mention the emotional recovery. These individuals are trained professionals who know what to expect. Most importantly, they are completely confidential and your friend will be left to make their own decisions. By referring to such a service, your friend can get the most complete care possible.
Be a good listener
Let them know that they can talk with you. Listen carefully and respond to feelings as well as words. By reflecting what you are hearing back to the person, you can help them better understand their own emotions and thoughts during this difficult time. Some survivors will want to talk about their experiences. Keep their privacy. It is a survivor's decision when and whether to tell others about what happened. Don't push them to reveal details about the incident or ask questions just because you're curious.
Believe them
Survivors need to know that you believe what happened. It's rare that people make up stories about sexual assault or relationship violence. Don't question details of the assault. If the perpetrator is someone you know, don't say, "I can't believe they would do that!" Important things to communicate to the survivor:
* "It's not your fault."
* "I'm glad you're safe now."
* "I'm sorry it happened."
Validate the survivor's feelings
Acknowledge their sadness, anger, fear, or confusion. Let them know that all of these feelings are normal after a sexual assault or when experiencing relationship violence. Assure them that they aren't alone. Also:
* If a survivor was drunk during the assault, assure them that they aren't to blame for what happened.
* If a survivor feels guilty because they didn't fight back, assure them that fear sometimes inhibits us.
* Tell them that they did the best they could to survive the situation and that no one deserves to be assaulted.
* Don't blame survivors for what happened by asking them things like why they were drinking, why they didn't fight back, what they were wearing, or by telling them what you would have done.
Let survivors control their own lives
Provide survivors with information about their options. If they choose one, support them by providing phone numbers or information. Allow them to make a decision for themselves and assure them that you will support whatever decision they make. Don't try to take control of the situation. Let them make that decision for themselves. Don't threaten to hurt the perpetrator, the survivor has lived through one violent experience and does not need to be confronted with another.
Respect the Victim's Privacy
Don't tell others what your friend tells you. Let the victim decide who they will tell. Encourage them to seek support and assistance from others.
Stay with them through the healing process
Express your concern over the long run. Healing takes time. Talk about other aspects of survivors' lives. This reassures survivors that they have not become the sexual assault or the relationship violence. Survivors will have good and difficult days. Stay with them through both.
Take Care of Yourself
Hearing about the sexual assault or violent relationship of a friend or family member is upsetting. You may feel scared, angry, helpless, sad or all of these emotions and more. You may want to talk about your feelings. Most advocacy centers such as the UVM Victim's Advocate and the Women's Rape Crisis Center are also available to speak to friends of survivors and are completely confidential.
Additional Tips to Help Someone You Care About Who Is Experiencing Relationship Violence
Help them recognize the abuse.
* Point out the different types of abuse in relationships like emotional, sexual and physical.
* Tell her/him that abuse happens and hurts more over time.
* Encourage her/him to call the Campus Advocacy Program (656.7892) or Women Helping Battered Women (658-1996).
Express your concerns.
* Tell her/him that you are glad s/he confided in you.
* Let her/him know that you are sorry this is happening to her/him.
* You can never say the following phrases too much: "I'm worried about you."; "It's not your fault."; "I'm glad that you told me about what you're going through."; "You deserve better"; and "I'm here for you."
Support their strength.
* Point out how s/he is able to manage her/his life and handle the fear from abuse.
* Help her/him see that s/he is not to blame for the violence and that changing her/his behavior will not stop the abuse.
* Help her/him recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent.
Be accepting.
* Tell her/him you are worried about her safety.
* Let the survivor know you are there for her/him and mean it. Do not become upset if s/he is not ready to break off the relationship yet. Try to see that s/he is dealing with some difficult emotions - love and security from a partner, and fear from the abuse.
* Understand that s/he may need to return to the abuser in order to be safe.
Work on a safety plan.
* Help her/him think of ways to be safe.
* Find local resources that can offer additional support.
Be there, listen, and stay there.
* You may feel like a broken record that no one is listening to. Keep supporting her/him. By avoiding blame, s/he will know you are standing beside her/him.
* When s/he is ready to end the relationship continue to be supportive and try to help her/him get involved in activities and supportive services. It takes a long time to get over any relationship, especially one that is violent.
* Help her/him resist the pressure from other friends, family members, etc. to get back together.
Reach out for help.
* If you are frightened or frustrated, get support for yourself. Remember, you can't rescue or solve all of her/him problems.
* UVM Women's Center, 34 S. Williams St., 802.656.7892, Campus Advocacy Program
* Crisis lines are available 24 hours a day and you don't have to give your name.
* In Vermont, to reach your nearest relationship violence program dial: 1-800-228-7395
Last modified July 13 2006 02:18 PM
