The last time I saw my father he said, "There are stranger things in this world Chris, than are dreamt up in your philosophy." I said, "Dad, I can't even figure out how to get a girlfriend." He said, "When I was your age, being a 'smartass' meant that you first had to be smart." I said, "Really pop? Tell me about the women you went to school with in the 70's." He said, "I'm sure they're not too different than the ones you're used to." It turns out my father never went to university. What I thought I would do then, on my father's behalf, was to tape a conversation candidly between two people on my university campus. I played it back for my father and he enjoyed it very much. This is more or less how it went.

[on a campus]

She: Why do you keep staring at me?

He: What do you mean?

She: Every time I see you in our Shakespeare class you're looking right at me. What's your deal?

Y'know, I could still, even in the face of this assault, give you a witty compliment. But it seems to me, being smart and nice is most unattractive to women on this campus.

She: Are you an authority on what's unattractive to girls on this campus?

He: Being awe struck by beauty is as natural as light itself. And I'm not going to apologize for that. The beauty of kindness and modesty is something I have to wait to see come out from within.

She: You're a madman.

He: Am I? If the point of this aggressiveness on your part was to get me to stop staring than let me assure you you've achieved it. You've won. There's no point in marveling at a pretty box if you know there's a severed head inside. You've ruined the fun of my imagination. What moral shapes I've given to you for the benefit of the doubt you've turned to airy nothings. I won't stare at you anymore.

She: Are you saying that I'm a bad person just because I asked you why you keep staring at me?

He: The question isn't whether I think you're a bad person or not but rather whether you're telling me that you're a bad person or not.

She: You don't even know what you're talking about, man.

He: Oh, like I'm supposed to believe that this offensiveness on your part was just because I was intimidating you? Everyday of a woman's life is spent in fear of the big idiot in her class with a smiled on his face. We both know I'm about as scary as a butterfly. Not to mention your tone of voice wasn't exactly one of fear.

She: You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

He: If you walk up to me like you're hot shit and ask me why I keep staring at you, I'd guess you were looking to empower yourself. Because now I have to defend myself to your biased judgment of which you ultimately have the final say. Because if I say, "I wasn't staring," I look like an asshole liar because we both know I was staring. Not that that's a crime. And if I were to say, "Because you're so pretty," that's a compliment which you take to mean that I'm obviously attracted to you, likely seeing you as some sort of conquest that you can't wait to deny me of. Or, if I say something clever and you feel threatened by that you still reserve the right to assume that I was taking the role of the "scumbag," and that I really wanted to sleep with you in which case you walk off with a slick look on your face and I sit here twiddling my thumbs, or worse. Just what exactly did you want me to say?

She: Listen, I'll see ya later.

He: If you walk away, continuing to think that I'm just trying to be smart, or conning you into thinking that I'm smart, we both lose. You walk away thinking I'm a loser and I walk away thinking you're a complete bitch. The thing is I think we're probably both interesting, kind and intelligent people. And that sounds like a line. But you have to realize that no matter how much I stare, I don't want to have anything to do with you until you've shown me some form of humanity. As of now, I'm assuming you're going to go back to your girlfriends to tell them how you put some shithead in his place. Some "shithead," whose only crime was to stare at your face. Some "shithead" who was completely defenseless, since he couldn't retaliate with compliments or intelligence. And yet, you just walked up to "Mr. Shithead," in confidence, yanked on his leash, knowing that no matter what, you would win, since after all "he" was staring at "you."

She: You do realize that I have a boyfriend, don't you?

He: The fucked up thing about it is that your game here is entirely based upon the fact that I can't win.

She: When the day's curtain closes, he and I will go off to bed.

He: My demise is of the very things that set me apart from everyone else. You could have just walked up to me and said, "I saw you staring so from now on I'm cool and you're not," or even better, "You want to fuck me. Now run away with your tail in between your legs." And "Oh sorry, that's not your tail, is it?"

She: That's tragic.

He: You're funny.

She: What's your point? Am I supposed to believe that you, a white male, are being oppressed on this campus by women? That the fact that you can't get laid or make an intelligent conversation is my fault? Is it my problem that the best time you've had in months was probably drinking with your best friend's faithful girlfriend? Did you actually sit up nights dreaming up ways to voice this unsung persecution of yours? And this is the forum you release it in? Whimpering to me in fancy words about how you've been wronged? You're pathetic. Be a man. You're like a dog who constantly needs attention.

He: The only real difference between a dog and a human is that if you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he won't bite you.

She: OK Twain, what are you saying? That you picked up women when they were starving and now they're biting you? that I should thank you for putting the "men" back in menstruation? That humanity is doing you a disservice because people aren't as moral as you are? Ooh, if only everyone was as holy as me. You can't say that shit, man! "Dost thou think because thou art virtuous there shall be no more cakes and ale?"

He: Look, all I'm saying is that if we go back to the beginning and should you still want to ask me why I was staring, and I reply, "That being awe struck by beauty is as natural as light itself," and you say, "Thank you, that's very kind" and actually think of something nice to say about me, then we both win. And then we both walk away feeling good about getting a compliment from a stranger. That's all.

She: Don't ever talk to me again.

[exit She right]
[exit He wrong]

The End.