Round One:
Santa Claus has some unfinished business with the Ultimate Warrior. It's been several years since the whole Santa in bondage comic came out, and his elves haven't let him hear the end of it. He decides to settle things through an enforcer, and places a call to Mr. T. Mr. T is a practitioner of Islam, which is a nonviolent religion (unless, of course, the Pope calls them violent, in which case certain extremists threaten suicide attacks to prove him wrong). However, he's willing to make an exception for Santa Claus, largely because Santa has been good to his mother over the years. So he goes tracking down the Ultimate Warrior, looking to give him an etiquette lesson.
The Ultimate Warrior, now officially named Warrior due to a rights battle with the WWF/WCW/WWE/whatever initials that current world wrestling organization goes by, is busy giving one of his motivational speeches. He's offering such wonderful bits of motivation as: don't be gay or black. He's about to expound on the fact that he really doesn't have anything useful to say when Mr. T breaks down a brick wall and climbs onto the stage. Warrior is a bit surprised, to say the least. Most of the time, large black men don't break through concrete barriers and disrupt his speeches. While he is explaining his surprise with that exact bit of unnecessary exposition, Mr. T lifts him up and tosses him off the stage like a sack of garbage. Round One goes to Mr. T.
Round Two:
Warrior picks himself up, dusts himself off, and enters furious, crazy wrestler mode. He tears off his shirt, ties ribbons around his elbows, and paints his face.
Actually, come to think of it, that sounds a lot like what a teenage girl might do at a slumber party, doesn't it? Hm...
Anyway, the Ultimate Warrior then goes off for about fifteen minutes on a crazy rant in which he invokes the warrior gods of ultimateness to aid him in battle against his foe. During this time, Mr. T gets bored and leaves the building. Then he lifts the entire building off of its foundation and throws it into space.
You're probably saying that I've just broken your suspension of disbelief, and that an ordinary man should not be capable of Superman-level feats of strength. Well, Mr. T is no ordinary man. If you think he is, then you haven't watched enough of The A-Team. He drinks his milk. Milk allows to to grow up big and strong. And throw large buildings into the stratosphere, apparently. Round Two goes to Mr. T.
Round Three:
Lost in space for years, the Ultimate Warrior hones his skills, training for the day when he can return to Earth and defeat Mr. T. A passing asteroid collides with the frozen space-building one day and sends him hurtling toward the Earth. His battle-hardened body survives the rigors of impact, and he emerges from the crater, with one thought on his mind: revenge on the man known as Mr. T. He trains in the Himalayas for years, and then seeks out his opponent, confident that he has finally gained the skills to defeat him. One day, when Mr. T least suspects it, he strikes...
And he still gets his ass handed to him by Mr. T.
What is Mr. T's secret? Well, maybe it's the hundreds of gold chains he hauled around for decades that enhanced his strength to superhuman level. Maybe it's his mean attitude, or the fact that he's one of only two people I've ever seen to make a mohawk look good. Or maybe it's because I'm a child of the 80s, and grew up with Mr. T as an icon, be it on reruns of The A-Team, his cartoon T Time, and Rocky III. Or maybe it's because anyone who paints his face, wears a mullet, and gets his name legally changed to Warrior simply is never going to be badass enough to take down Mr. T, no matter how many years he spends training in space or the Himalayas. Round Three and the match go to Mr. T.
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