Round Two: Shaft versus Al Capone

The world's best (former) cop versus the world's most infamous gangster. Shaft busts in to one of Al Capone's bootlegging outfits. He easily dispatches Capone's goons, and then drinks all of Capone's liquor without even getting a buzz. Eventually Scarface himself comes storming into the operation. Furious at Shaft's interference, Al Capone storms up to give Shaft the kiss of death. But Shaft ain't into none of that pussy shit, and beats Capone silly. Shaft turns Al Capone into the cops. Round Two goes to Shaft.

Round Three: Shaft versus Carrot Glace

Round Four: Shaft versus Joe Friday

Good cop versus bad mutha. Because Shaft left the police force in his last movie, he is considered a vigilante. And when Shaft goes to Los Angeles, the LAPD sends their best officer after him...Joe Friday. Joe marches into the neighborhood that Shaft is staying in and starts asking questions, demanding "Just the facts." Unfortunately, LA has changed a lot since the days of Dragnet, and Joe's clean-cut, bread and butter policing style doesn't quite fit in which lower class black neighborhoods in LA. Joe never makes it to Shaft, because roughly one riot later he's lying in an alley moaning, "What's the frequency Kenneth?" Shaft intervenes, keeping Joe alive long enough to get him out of the neighborhood. Round Four goes to Shaft for good merit. (Even if they had fought, Shaft would have mopped the floor with Friday anyway.)

Round Five: Shaft versus Adolf Hitler

Shaft's zany adventures send him travelling back in time to World War II where he faces Hitler and his Nazi cohorts. You know what, since I've already put time travel into the mix, I'm going run with it and make most of the Nazis zombies. That works...honest.

So anyway, Shaft hacks through the hordes of Nazi super zombies with a chainsaw that he mysteriously foudn while travelling back in time. It's at this point that my room mate Nick Culver has informed me that I am totally bastardizing Shaft. I thought that bastardization of an excellent character was what this fight was all about, but I'll just skip to his encounter with Hitler.

Hitler has been informed of Shaft's coming and is wrought with fear as he finds that his zombie super Nazis are no match for him. He rigs up a suicide trap in his chambers, setting it so that when Shaft opens his door, both Hitler and Shaft will die. Shaft kicks open the door, and the blast goes off. Unfortunately for Hitler, Shaft has main character status and is protected from the blast by the aura of his sheer coolness. Adolf dies, and Shaft emerges with a bit of soot on his face. He travels back to the present, defeating Saddam Hussein before finally arriving back in 2001. Round Five goes to Shaft.

Round Six: Shaft versus the Ku Klux Klan

Shaft versus the most illiterate bigoted bastards of the last century. (Well, okay, they're probably not the most bigoted or illiterate, since the 20th century had Hitler, but I'm all about overstatement.) The KKK comes for Shaft, deciding to deliver him alive for the Grand Pendragon. Shaft himself is macking on the ladies at the time, and is quite irked that some morons in bedsheets are interrupting him. He dispatches the easily, stripping them naked and hogtying them with their own cloaks before sending them back to the Grand Pendragon. This action starts a war between Shaft and the KKK. But, since they have no cool factor whatsoever, they prove to be no match for Shaft. Ultimately Shaft captures the Grand Pendragon and tosses him in a cell with the stereotypical 300-pound black anal rapist named Bubba. I'll leave the rest up to everyone's imaginations. Round Six goes to Shaft.

Round Seven: Shaft versus Mighty Mouse

Mighty Mouse is driven berserk for some reason and comes to kill Shaft and only Shaft. He comes after our hero with a sword, cutting for his heart. Unfortunately, that sword is really only a pin to Shaft, and Mighty Mouse is only a mouse. Shaft swats Might Mouse away. Round Seven goes to Shaft...I know I said earlier that nobody beats Mighty Mouse, but really, even if he does have super powers, he's a frikkin' mouse.

Round Eight: Shaft versus Puff Daddy

After bullshitting his way out of more criminal charges, Sean "Puffy" Combs is out to make more money by producing another piece of crap video. He needs a film to rip off, as usual, and this time he decides to use Shaft's latest film. Not a good idea, because Shaft comes after Puff Daddy, pissed at the horrible bastardization of his film. (Speaking of bastardizations, I hope he doesn't read this fight...) Puff Daddy pulls out a gun and tries to shoot Shaft, but the bullet doesn't hit, averted by the black private dick's badass aura. Shaft shoots out Puff Daddy's kneecaps and then tosses him in the same cell as the Grand Pendragon from Round Six. Round Eight goes to Shaft.

Round Nine: Shaft versus Rocky Balboa

Now this is a real challenge. Sure, Shaft can outfight the Italian Stallian, but Rocky Balboa just doesn't go down. He can take blow after blow and still come out Shaft. Unfortunately, Rocky has never been immune to bullets. So, when things get hairy, Shaft shoots Rocky. The boxer goes down shouting "Adrianne!" Round Nine goes to Shaft.

Round Ten: Shaft versus Superman

So we're on the last round, and it looks like Shaft may have finally met his match. I mean, sure Shaft is tough and all, but can he really face down the Man of Steel himself?

The answer is yes.