Round One:
Sephiroth enters the fight with badass theme music and a gigantic sword. Jesus enters the battle with bread, fish, and a heart full of forgiveness. Sephiroth starts things off early by stabbing at Jesus with his sword, to which the son of God tries to turn the blows aside with his bare hands. Unfortunately for Jesus, the sword goes right through the crucifixion holes on his hands and impales him. Jesus staggers backwards, pushing his body off of the blade and falling to the ground. Sephiroth decides that he wants to prolong the battle a bit more and sheathes his sword, beating Jesus down with his bare fists. Jesus takes the blows and repeats the mantra of, "I forgive you, I forgive you." That is, he repeats it until Sephiroth breaks his jaw, at which point any future forgiveness comes out as an unintelligible mumble. Round One goes to Sephiroth.
Round Two:
Say what you will about Jesus, but the guy has stamina. Although he doesn't fight back, he does take enough of a beating to wear Sephiroth out - the classic rope-a-dope trick. Unfortunately, Jesus is no Muhammad Ali and refuses to take advantage of the situation. Instead he puts his hands together and starts praying. The plus side of his prayer is that he heals his wounds. The down side is that it gives Sephiroth time enough to get his second wind. Sephiroth interrupts Jesus's prayer by introducing him to the concept of cleansing fire. He unleashes a Supernova attack, and the surface of the sun flares up to burn Jesus from the planet. Christ is reduced to a pile of charred flesh and blackened bones. Round Two goes to Sephiroth.
Round Three:
On the third round, Jesus rose from the dead and kicked ass. As though reconstituting his body from burning cinders is not enough of a neat trick, he unleashes a host of plagues at Sephiroth, bombarding his foe with locusts, frogs, and various other swarm creatures. (It's been a long time since I've read the Bible - were the plagues of lemmings? If not, there should have been. A swarm of lemmings all charge Sephiroth as well, trampling him on their way to jump off the nearest cliff.) Such hocus pocus is not enough to defeat Sephiroth, but having large gnawing insects crawl into his nose and ears does make him throw up in his mouth a little bit. After finally overcoming the insects and boils that Jesus strikes him with, Sephiroth charges the messiah, intent on finishing the battle with a decapitation. Jesus counters by pulling the old water to wine trick. Guess how much of the human body is water. Furthermore, guess what happens if all of those bodily fluids immediately become wine. Sephiroth stumbles and dies, but he does go down happily enebriated. Jesus then jumps into a ferrari and drives off into the sunset on his way to rescue me from the swarms of angry militant Christians who have lined up outside my door while I wrote this fight up. Round Three and the fight go to Jesus.
Back to In This Corner
Back to Fights
Back to the Screamsheet