It's been a while since I've had a matchup against two people that I hate equally. Michael Moore is a big fat slob who likes to spin a web of lies and pass it off as journalism. Bill O'Reilly is not quite as big or fat, but is just as huge an asshole and also doesn't let pesky things like facts and logic get in the way of his political agenda. The only difference between the two is that one is a liberal and the other is a conservative. But when you get far enough to either side of the spectrum, you just wind up being an asshole. So maybe these guys will take each other out. Or maybe someone else will pop in and cut their heads off with a chain saw. I don't know; I really haven't decided yet.
Round One:
Hm...you know what? It looks like Round One has already been fought. How about that? Round One goes to ME!!!
Round Two:
Round Three:
Talk of the Tape:
Ha! Not this time!
Michael Moore is filming a new documentary about...well, I don't know what it's about. When I tried to ask him, all I heard was, "Blah blah blah socialism blah blah Saddam Hussein blah blah blah hate Bush." Then I beat him over the head with a bicycle until he shut up. So he begins the fight brain damaged. Well, more brain damaged, anyway. Bill O'Reilly, on the other hand, is wandering the streets looking for some material for his next show. Essentially, he's trying to find examples of people enjoying the freedoms America offers, so he can bitch about how since they don't meet his narrow view of what is socially acceptable then they must be ruining America. He starts talking about how video games, role-playing games, and cartoons are destroying society. Then I drop my entire volume of AD&D books on his head to shut him up. So he begins this fight without a spine. Well, moreso than usual.
Okay, I'm going to step out of the fight now and return to my place as an omniscience narrator. Unfortunately, a fight between someone who is severely brain-damaged and someone else who has a shattered spine isn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world. Bill O'Reilly spends his time crying out in pain and trying to wiggle his toes. Michael Moore, on the other hand, repeatedly walks into a brick wall. Eventually, Moore trips over O'Reilly and falls on top of him, trapping the talk show host under his massive bulk. O'Reilly is quickly overcome by the enormous weight and body odor of the mammoth-sized stench cow on top of him. He runs out of air, and his vital organs start to fail. In a matter of minutes, he's little more than street pizza underneath Michael Moore's undulating stomach. Round Two goes to Michael Moore.
Through a sheer force of will, Bill O'Reilly manages to crawl out from underneath Michael Moore. He squeezes his way past the leviathan's back fat and comes out gasping on the street curb. But when he looks up, he suddenly wishes that he was still underneath Michael Moore. The sky grows dark, and everything gets uncomfortably cold. The figure standing in front of him is this:
"You're not who I'm looking for," says Christopher Walken. "But I'm hungry, so you'll do for now."
Christopher Walken then goes on to eat the souls of both Bill O'Reilly and Michael Moore. It's a pretty unsatisfying meal. Round Three and the fight goes to Christopher Walken. He's back, and I'm scared. Somebody hold me.
Back to In This Corner
Back to Fights
Back to the Screamsheet