Round One:
David Hasselhoff is upset because Hugh Hefner won't give him a tour of the his mansion. It's a flimsy motivation, but I'm taking inspiration from the acting style of Hasselhoff and the level of quality content in Playboy magazine here. Infuriated that he has been snubbed, Hasselhoff decides to give Hefner what-for. He doesn't say, "What-for," though. Instead, it comes out as semi-conherent murmur that vaguely ties into Baywatch and some crappy music he did years ago. Hasselhoff decides to take on Hefner Knight Rider style, and jumps into the old Knight Rider car from the 1980s TV series. Unfortunately, the car hasn't aged well over the past two and a half decades, and it breaks down at the front gates of Hefner's mansion. Hasselhoff steps out of the car and is immediately assaulted by Hefner's Playboy ninjas, who proceed to thoroughly kick his ass. Oh yeah, Playboy has ninjas now, apparently. Round One goes to Hugh Hefner by proxy.

Round Two:
The lingerie-clad ninjas proceed to kick the crap out of Hasselhoff. He refuses to fight back for a while due to his chivalrous values. The Hoff does not hit women. Then he remembers, oh wait, the Hoff totally doesn't have a problem hitting women, especially if they're beating the ever-loving shit out of him. Hasselhoff stands up, takes a breath, and gets his heroic second wind. He then uses his muscular physique to defeat the Playboy ninjas, pausing to flex and strut about at opportune moments for fan service. (Unfortunately, I don't know who would find Hasselhoff particularly attractive, so this "fan service" probably just winds up getting several women to gouge their eyes out to ease the pain.) All the while, he succeeds in keeping that dull, blank expression on his face that makes Keanu Reeves envious of the man's non-acting ability. Finally, with Hefner's ninjas out of the way, Hasselhoff heads through the gates of the mansion. On the front lawn, he finds Hugh Hefner himself standing ready for a fight, smoking a pipe and dressed in his trademark pajamas. Round Two goes to David Hasselhoff.

Round Three:
Hasselhoff storms toward Hefner. He stops short of continuing the fight, though, because he's looking for answers first.

"Why won't you let me take a tour of your mansion?" he asks.

"Because you call your daughters 'The Hoff Drops,'" explains Hefner.

Hasselhoff thinks about it and then decides that, yeah, that is really lame, even for him.

"Okay...if I stop doing that, will you let me in the mansion?"

Hefner shakes his head. "Nope. The damage is already done. Sort of like the damage that's about to be done to your frontal lobe."

"Huh?"

In explanation, Hugh Hefner draws a gun from the pocket of his pajamas and shoots Hugh Hefner right in the forehead.

"Oh...I get it," murmurs Hasselhoff before the bullet cuts off his last thoughts. He drops to the ground, still maintaining his stone-faced blank expression even in death.