Frequently Asked Questions

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Didn't your name used to be Charlie Martin?
Yes, it did. My full name is Charles Henry Martin Brooks. The Martin remains in my name, but I added the Brooks as well to honor the man who raised me.

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Are you a woman?
No. I'm a big hairy guy. I don't know why people assume that I am female, but I'm not.

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Who is this Sarah person you keep mentioning?
She's my wife. She's also the person I bounce ideas off of, thus ensuring that many of my dumber thoughts never make it onto this site.

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Is Sarah dating any celebrities?
This question originated when I posted a picture of Sarah with Mo Rocca on the site:

Now from this picture, my reaction is, no she's just getting a friendly picture taken with a correspondent from The Daily Show. I mean, her smile is polite and friendly, and they're not intertwined or anything.

Then we met Seth MacFarlane, the creator of Family Guy...

Now this one I have issues with. I mean, just look at them; Sarah has her arm around him, a big freaking smile on her face, and a low-cut shirt. Hell, she might as well be smoking a cigarette. And MacFarlane...his shirt is already half-unbuttoned and he's got a huge shiteating grin on his face because he knows he's about to get some from my fiancée. Hell, folks behind him are waiting for his autograph and he's completely ignoring them. I can't see his hands, but I swear one of them is probably on her ass. We met Seth MacFarlane, and he was all hot to drop what he was doing to get a picture with Sarah. Did he even talk to me or mention my kickass Family Guy music videos? Of course not. He was too busy mackin' on my woman, and I don't see Sarah putting up much of a fight. Fucking women and their fickle hearts.

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Why do recent pictures of Sarah look so different from the ones above?

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Are you available?
No. I'm married to Sarah. I am perfectly happy with her, so while I am flattered, please direct your affections elsewhere.

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Would you be up for a fling on the side?
You know, normally the answer is no, but in light of the evidence that Sarah is apparently sleeping with at least two celebrities (see above), I'm willing to bend that rule. Now, to be fair, as Sarah has only gone behind my back with cool celebrities, then I have to follow that same rule. So if you're someone like Michelle Yeoh, Jennifer Connelly, Jada Pinkett Smith, or Scarlett Johansson, then yeah, shoot me an email and we'll talk. Otherwise, you're a really creepy person if you're seriously considering pursuing a relationship with someone who is already madly in love with another woman (Sarah) and who you've probably never met in person.

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Is it okay if I email you and chat?
As long as you've read the previous FAQ about me not being interested in pursuing a relationship, go right ahead.

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Why are you so obsessed with...
...the Hulk?
Because the Hulk is much more than "Hulk smash!" He's a very complex character and is very different from every other superhero out there. He's not some guy who puts on tights and fights crime, and half the time he's as dangerous as the villains he happens to battle. Additionally, the character of Bruce Banner, an emotionally repressed individual who cannot adequately express emotion, appeals to me, an emotionally repressed individual who cannot adequately express emotion. We even have similar traumatic childhood experiences.

...Ryoko?
First off, she's an anime chick. She's got blue hair, and her personality is essentially that of a cat's, and I love cats (not in the physical sense you sicko bastard). Second of all, Tenchi Muyo! and Tenchi Universe are awesome anime series, and her character has evolved dramatically through those series and the Tenchi Muyo! manga. Finally, her "death" in the last few episodes of Tenchi Universe is one of the saddest things I've seen in an anime (barring the endings of Cowboy Bebop and Trigun), and her subsequent appearance in the last episode makes for one of the best endings ever.

...the Green Lantern?
As a kid I had all the Justice League action figures, and the Green Lantern had the coolest costume. When I saw him on TV, he had the coolest power, even though he sometimes used it in the lamest of ways. His comic book version went insane and then tried to destroy and recreate the universe. Then he sacrificed his life to save the Earth and eventually became the spirit of God's vengeance. If that isn't cool, I don't know what is.

...Shaft?
He's one bad mutha.

Shut yo' mouth!
But I'm just talking about Shaft!

I can dig it.
Good.

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What is your problem with..."
...George Lucas?
I don't really have a problem with George Lucas. I have a problem with the Star Wars prequels that he has created. Darth Vader used to be the coolest of bad guys. If Lucas wanted to explore Vader's past, he should have hired someone who can write a script with some subtlety in it. Instead he's introduced in the first film as a cute little kid who accidentally wins a war. Then in the second movie, courtesy of some terrible casting, he's nothing but a whiny little bitch. To make matters worse, he's saved at the end by a freakin' muppet. I'd rather have Vader be someone cool with a darker history, not a whiny brat who turns to the Dark Side because he can't keep his hormones in check.

...Superman?
My problem with Superman used to be that he was a very uninteresting character because he was so powerful. However, my opinion of him has changed over the years, particularly as I read more Alan Moore Superman stories, and especially due to his badass portrayal on Justice League Unlimited. However, by now he's become the resident loser on my fights page, and I'm afraid it might be too late to change that trend.

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Did George Lucas really sue you?
No. That was a joke in one of my fights that apparently got out of hand. George Lucas, to my knowledge, does not know who I am.

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What happened to all the music you used to post?
I used to have a song of the week section, but UVM got a cease and decist letter from the representatives of several artists, which led them to close my site down for a little while. In order to keep operating, I've had to remove all music that I don't have permission for. As far as I can tell, music videos are acceptable, but mp3s of the stuff the record companies want you to buy in a store is not.

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What did you use to create your music videos?
Windows Movie Maker. It's not as good as other programs out there, but it's free. I also use DVDx to convert my DVDs into .avi files.

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Have you written a novel?
Yes. I've written several and published two. The first is called Shadowslayers, and can now be purchased as an Amazon Kindle book for less than $1. The other one is called Reality Check, and is now available on Amazon.com. More information about my novels, including excerpts, can be found at CharlieBrooks.us.

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Why do you post stories here if you can get them published?
The stuff that I post in the fiction section falls into one of two categories: unpublishable, which includes random humor like The Adventures of Wonder Dan! as well as very niche works like But a Dream, or unfinished, such as my novel Mack the Knife. In the case of the stuff I deem as unpublishable, this area is a chance to showcase my work without having to try to sell it. In the case of unfinished stories, I've been able to get excellent feedback through this web site, so I consider posting drafts to be a valuable use of my time. When one of my drafts does get published, it leaves this site and either enters the book world or eventually lands on CharlieBrooks.us if I retain the rights.

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Why is Shadowslayers so hard to find in paperback?
Shadowslayers was originally published through Port Town Publishing in Superior, Wisconsin. They're a small publisher who only does print runs of 100 books at a time. Being a small company, they also run on a shoe-string budget, and often screw up orders. I received complaints from people who ordered my book through either Port Town or Amazon.com and who never received the books. Finally, I chose to buy out the remaining back stock and terminate my contract with Port Town. If you really want a copy of Shadowslayers, you should email me, since I have all the remaining stock. I also own the rights to the novel again, so it might get a second edition in the future.

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Can I get you to sign a copy of your novel for me?
Yes. You can send me an email if you want a signed copy. If you haven't ordered a book, you can order one through me and have me sign it. If you have ordered one, I'll sign it as long as you pay the cost of shipping.

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Do you have any advice to other writers?
Be resilient. I go through about 50 rejections or more for every piece of work I get published.

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What did you think of the Hulk movie?
I'm in the minority, as I thought the 2003 movie was one of the best films I've ever seen. I think the 2008 movie was pretty mediocre, although I would like to see a director's cut that includes the 40 minutes or so that were chopped from the theatrical version to make it more of a popcorn flick.

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Where did you get the Phantom of the Opera remix that you use in your Vampire Hunter D video?
I got it from one of my friends. I unfortunately don't know who did the song. I think it's a version from some Dance Dance Revolution game, but I'm not sure.

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Why didn't you ever write up the fight/story that I suggested?
Often, people will suggest that I have two people fight and I have no idea who they are. For instance, I don't know many sports stars at all, nor am I familiar with a lot of newer anime. Other times, I just don't know how I would write the fight. I tried doing a Stephen Hawking versus FDR fight a few years ago and I couldn't bring myself to finish it because I couldn't stand letting either one lose. As far as story ideas, I don't mind people suggesting something for me to write, but I'm not likely to write on demand. I write what I feel like when I feel like it. Until I'm actually employed on a magazine or something, that fact holds true.

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Why don't your fights make any sense?
I don't know what you're talking about. They all operate under a perfect internal logic. Shaft can rip the space time continuum with his sheer blackness, Steve Buscemi is a weasly little bastard, Christopher Walken is fear itself, and Bruce Campbell is apparenly invincible. If you're tuning in to read fights like Spawn versus Shirley Temple, Hitler versus Gandhi, or the Powerpuff Girls versus Charlie's Angels, then you've already accepted that the reality of these fights is skewed. What's wrong with going one step further?

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