“Her name is Nyla.” The tone of her voice sounded rather strange for someone who was thanking me. No doubt her mind was still addled by the shock of seeing her beloved Stinkpaws in such peril. “And there’s not even any tar around here!”

I was about to explain to her that of course there must be a tar pit nearby. Why would I shave a cat for no reason? But then my hypersonic hearing picked up a distant cry for help, and I was never the type of man to turn my back on someone in need. Tightening my aviator’s cap so as not to reveal my secret identity, I raised my cape (which was of course cleverly converted from a duckie quilt that my alien mother had sewn for me before the dawn of time itself) and dashed off over the horizon, leaving Mrs. DesLauriers to contemplate how lucky she was to have a true hero in the neighborhood.

“Wonder Dan away!”

No sooner had I made my way to Battery Park that I realized that I had walked into a trap! The cry for help wasn’t from some woman needing her cat shaved; no, it was much more sinister than that. For standing in front of me with a wicked grin on his face was none other than my arch-nemesis, Ygor Dragosljvich.

He and I had crossed paths many times, with neither of us capable of claiming a true victory. For all of my strength and skill, Dragosljvich’s skin was as hard and thick as the bark on an old oak tree. He stood easily twenty feet tall and had dozens of arms growing everywhere on his body. My social worker, er…sidekick…had tried to convince me once that Dragosljvich was actually just an old oak tree. I had to explain to him several times that Ygor was a master of guile, capable of disguising himself as a tree. I suspect that he was a Nazi scientist working in Argentina before some sort of horrific accident mutated him into the multi-armed giant that I now faced.

“Listen to me, Ygor…you don’t have to be a monster. I can help you become a man again.”

Dragosljvich remained ominously silent. A crowd had begun gathering to view the spectacle, and I had to frantically wave them back to keep them out of harm’s way.

“All right,” I said, jutting out my square jaw and gritting my teeth in determination. “If you want to do this the hard way, then let’s at least take this fight somewhere away from all these innocent bystanders.”

More silence from the giant. The air grew thick with tension as we stared each other down. I reached into my utility pack and removed one of my peanut butter and sweet pickle sandwiches. I wiped the sandwich across my forehead and then tossed it aside, clearing the sweat from my brow as I prepared for what would surely be a battle for the ages.

Finally Dragosljvich gave a long, evil laugh. The cackle thundered through the park as ominously as a stiff breeze through the top of a tree. His arms began swaying low, threatening to strike out at the throng of civilians around us. I gave a shout and leapt at my enemy, grabbing him in a bear hug. Even in the hold of my superhuman muscles, the giant was dangerous and powerful, and threatened to break free of my hold at any moment. I head butted him, hammering my forehead against his solid body. A gash opened up on my face, and my heroic red blood began to run down my face.

“No,” I said, growing increasingly woozy but still hammering my head into my foe with all the force that I could muster. “Wonder Dan must not fail!”

Reeling my head back one last time, I struck against Dragosljvich with all the strength that was left in my super body. The giant gave a crackling groan, whimpering in his defeat. I fell to the ground and then rose again slowly as the world spun in front of me. The crowd looked at me in shock as I staggered forward. I smiled, letting them know that I had won the day.

“No need to…th-thank me…” I said before staggering again and finally blacking out.

***

Epilogue: Enter Slapnuts

“So what do we have here?”

“Crazy case. This kid gave himself a concussion by head butting a tree. We had about two dozen people watching him, and no one even tried to stop him. Apparently he was going nuts, talking about giants and some guy named Drakko-something.”

“And they send him here instead of the mental ward because…?”

“Apparently his parents are okay with this stuff. They told the police it was for the greater good or some weirdness like that.”

“Well, let’s put him in with Slapnuts.”

“Slapnuts?”

“Yeah. This guy has a spanking fetish. Apparently he’s a bit clumsy, too. Completely missed his girlfriend’s ass and hit himself in the crotch so hard that he blacked out.”

“Man…it takes all kinds, don’t it?”

“You’re telling me.”

The voices trailed down the hall of the infirmary as I came to. My face had swelled up and I could feel the familiar sensations of seventeen stitches in my forehead. But the day was saved, and Wonder Dan would soon fly again.