Round One:
Appauled with how dreary and demented modern-day superheroes are, Cap and Bucky head out to deal with two of the worst offenders, Nite Owl and Rorschach. Round One finds Bucky taking on Nite Owl, and Nite Owl is none too happy about the situation.

"Wait a minute...I'm the friggin' sidekick?! Just because I don't go around stapling signs to rapists and chopping up dogs, people assume I'm the sidekick?"

Although Bucky has a clear advantage in hand-to-hand combat skills, Nite Owl is not about to get dumb enough to let the plucky lad take advantage of that. He fires a gas-powered grappling hook into Bucky's gut, then uses the high-pitched supersonic "screechers" aboard his hovership, Archimedes. Sporting better equipment than a Panzer tank, Nite Owl manages to stagger Bucky enough so that when he finally delivers the knockout blow the kid is wishing that he was still somewhere in Nazi-controlled Germany. Round One goes to Nite Owl and Rorschach.

Round Two:
Rorschach's journal, May 26, 2009: Found man in patriotic-colored tights today. Wings on forehead. Carrying large rounded shield. Possibly homosexual. Should investigate further.

Rorschach's musings, which he is speaking out loud, are cut short when Captain America charges down the street and places a flying kick right in his face. Rorschach goes tumbling over, loses his hat, and winds up with a blood smear on the inside of his mask. He then gets up, picks up his hat, and prepares for a fight. Captain America isn't intimidated by the strenge faceless man or his clipped manner of speaking, and he's fast enough to make sure that the vigilante doesn't get away. Even Rorschach's infectious psychosis doesn't faze Cap, who has his own slew of angst and mental problems to deal with. You try dressing up in blue chainmail every day, winding up frozen in a glacier for twenty years, and then getting bitched at by some drunk reporter for not watching YouTube and see if you stay sane. Rorschach may have the crazy on his side, but Cap has a lot of pent up rage on his. As it turns out, the A on his forehead really doesn't stand for France. Round Two goes to Captain America and Bucky.

Round Three:
Getting his butt handed to him, Rorschach decides to beat a hasty retreat and go back to beating up on dogs and muggers like he's good at. Unfortunately, Captain America didn't earn all those medals in World War II by letting people run away, and--

Oh, wait a minute. Captain America totally earned all those medals in World War II by letting people run away. I mean, he fought Hitler like every two issues. And let's not even get into the Red Skull, a guy who Cap hasn't been able to permanently deal with in over six decades.

So Cap decides that Rorschach has learned his lesson and lets the vigilante get away. And once Rorschach is clear of the melee, Nite Owl sails by and lands Archimedes on Captain America, squashing him like a bug. Round Three and the fight go to Nite Owl and Rorschach...take that, American Dream!