Round One:
Thanks to the perfectly safe and non cancer causing miracle of time travel, Washington and Lincoln are plucked out of their respected time periods and treated to the time-honored tradition of the presidential steel cage fight. As the cage closes, the two former presidents roll up their sleeves and get ready to duke it out. Washington seems to have the upper hand initially thanks to his military training, but Lincoln is a taller man with a longer reach, and he manages to keep George at bay and out of close quarters. Luckily for our first president, Washington is resourceful and managed to smuggle an axe into the steel cage. He whips out the axe, which sufficiently extends his reach, and proceeds to plant it square in Abe's chest. Round One goes to George Washington.

Round Two:
While a serious axe wound might prove fatal to most anybody, we're dealing with the man who essentially held the United States together with his own two hands. So while Washington's axe hurts, it doesn't put him down. Instead Lincoln jabs his thumbs into Washington's eyes, temporarily blinding him. Then he shoves George away, pulls the axe out of his chest, and snaps the head right off the handle. He then utters his famous line from Tales from the Bully Pulpit: "I'm gonna emancipate your teeth." Using the flat of the broken axe, Lincoln smacks Washington almost senseless and does indeed manage to knock some of George's legendary false teeth out. Round Two goes to Abraham Lincoln.

Round Three:
Lincoln continues smacking Washington around until the metal head of the axe breaks. Eventually George stands up, touches the blood on his lip, looks at it, and snarls at Abe. The two stare each other down for a moment, each battered and bleeding and each reflecting upon what an utter badass the other is. Finally, just before Washington springs back into action, Lincoln produces his own smuggled weapons: a pair of Civil War era handguns. He proceeds to gun George Washington down, ending the fight. Round Three and the fight go to Abraham Lincoln.