Spawn versus Steve Buscemi
The Fighters:
Spawn is a dead guy who is back from Hell with super powers. He's not only a badass, but he's a real ass most of the time. He steps on homeless people and kicks puppies. He flayed Shirley Temple in a past fight. He ate my pet gerbil. Spawn's a jerk. Fighting against him is Hollywood's Steve Buscemi, who did some damned fine work in films such as Reservoir Dogs, Desperado, and Final Fantasy. He's a human ferret, both in physical appearance and his weasely demeanor.
Talk of the Tape:
Spawn: "Aren't there any normal people left on Earth, or is everybody just back from hell?"
Steve Buscemi: "My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig."

Round One:
I don't know what Spawn's problem is. Maybe it's because he got a crappy live action movie about him made. Maybe he woke up and stubbed his toe this morning. Or maybe he's just an uncaring ass back for vengeance from the bowels of Hell itself. Maybe all three; who knows? Whatever the reason, he's looking to put a hurting on Steve Buscemi. Maybe the guy didn't like the plot of Desperado or something. He flies over Steve's limo at the studio and flips it, then tosses it into a gas truck, causing a massive explosion. Luckily Steve wasn't in the limo. The car's just for show; he actually gets around by running to and fro in a giant clear plastic ball. Round One goes to no one because of the two combatants haven't actually met yet.

Round Two:
Spawn, now having gotten some of his temper under control, decides to go about things in a more level-headed manner. He hunts down Buscemi, who is getting his giant running ball cleaned and swoops down from the skies in an attack formation. Unfortunately for Spawn, Buscemi isn't oblivious and notices the massive caped hellspawn creature descending upon him. Just as Spawn is about to split the actor in two, Steve uses his previously untapped polymorph powers to transform into the embodiment of slime. He shoots of a glib one-liner and oozes away into the sewers to weasel out of things another day. Undeterred, Spawn follows, but to no avail. Trying to find a Hollywood actor in a mass of filth and slime is about as effective as trying to find a braincell in George W. Bush's head. Round Two edges to Steve Buscemi, just for lasting this long.

Round Three:
Steve Buscemi continues his mad dash through the sewers and eventually back into the streets where he rematerializes into the human ferret with Spawn hot on his heels. Realizing that he's not a badass by any means and therefore does not have the stuff to take on Spawn, he looks for an easy out to the fight. Thinking quickly, he runs over to the Universal studios lot and finds a (hopefully) good comic book movie, The Hulk.

"Hey, green guy...That fellow in the cape, he thinks you look like Shrek."

"What? Stupid ogre, Hulk only looks like Hulk!"

The ridiculously easy to anger green giant reaches a frenzy just as Spawn arrives on the scene. He proceeds to smash Spawn but good. He doesn't kill Spawn, mainly because I don't read that comic much and therefore don't really know if Spawn can be killed. But it still hurts. A lot. Spawn is left in intensive care for a while. More accurately, he's left bleeding in a gutter for a few days. Steve Buscemi uses this time to hire some bodyguards and take a nice long vacation in Mexico. Round Three and the match go to the Hulk, er, Steve Buscemi.

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