Round One:
First the two actresses face off against one another using the sheer force of their on screen personas. Halle Berry has under her belt mutant powers from the X-Men movies and a variety of martial arts from the most recent Bond flick (where she often has no shirt on...go figure). In contrast, Julia Roberts has very few action roles and instead has focused her career around destroying the romantic comedy. While Halle Berry is raining down lightning bolts and whipping out badass martial arts, Julia Roberts runs around whining about a man who at first seems casually interested in her, then falls in love with someone else, then finds out that she has feelings for him, and then falls in love with her. Or she's pretending to be Erin Brokovich, in which case she's supposedly a strong character because she flashes cleavage at everything with a dick. Well, I've badmouthed these two enough by now, but the clear advantage goes to the woman with super powers and martial arts. Round One goes to Halle Berry.

Round Two:
Just as Halle Berry is about to finish off her opponent with a lightning bolt from the sky, off goes her top. She doesn't even have to go through the effort of lifting her shirt over her head or unhooking her bra; her breasts just seem to be made of teflon and nothing can stay onto them. While Halle Berry tries to explain that there is obviously a clear and artistic reason to show nudity in everything she does, Julia Roberts kicks her in the head and then starts beating her opponent while she's down. As much as I'd like to turn this into some sort of lesbian mudwrestling innuendo, Round Two goes to Julia Roberts.

Round Three:
With Halle Berry beaten down and still trying to say that flashing her breasts at people makes for a more artistic plot and Julia Roberts beating the crap out of her, the fight seems pretty much over. To end matters, Julia Roberts unhinges her jaw (just like in Anaconda) and begins to swallow Halle Berry whole. Unfortunately for Julia, Halle also fails to keep her legs closed for an extended period of time, and they pop open like a pair of well-oiled scissors when she is about halfway down Julia Roberts' throat. Halle Berry dies of asphixiation and Julia Roberts chokes to death on the oversexed trollop's corpse. Round Three is a draw. As neither combatant has made it out alive, I award this fight to Emily Watson.