Continuing on my pulp fantasy versus pulp fiction kick that I began in the Conan versus He-Man fight, this battle presents the female counterparts of those characters. Red Sonya was originally Red Sonja, a character created by Conan author Robert E. Howard. She was blessed by a goddess with amazing fighting skill, but suffered from the curse that she could never lie with another man unless he defeated her in fair combat. That was a pretty big flaw in those stories, since the only thing Howard's characters liked more than sex was killing...and maybe drinking. Anyway, Marvel Comics got ahold of the character, changed the spelling of her name, and had the brilliant idea of putting her in a chainmail bikini that makes no sense whatsoever. Facing her will be She-Ra, the Princess of Power, who has the interesting and involved back story of...she's He-Man's sister. Zang.
Round One:
Round Two:
Round Three:
Either way...yeah. She-Ra gets disemboweled. There's no actual peace or love in her heart...it's just a bunch of blood and muscle. On the bright side, Red Sonya is in a much better mood thanks to the Disembowelment Song. Round Three and the fight go to Red Sonya.
Talk of the Tape:
Red Sonya: "I know my future. You have none."
She-Ra: "I am Adora. He-Man's twin sister and defender of the Crystal Castle. This is Spirit my beloved steed. Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day I held aloft my sword and said, 'For the honor of Greyskull! I am She-Ra.' Only a few others share this secret. Among them are Light Hope, Madame Razz, and Kowl. Together me and my friends of the Great Rebellion try to defend Etheria from the evil forces of Hordak." (...man, I used to actually watch that stuff!)
In her travels, Red Sonya encounter She-Ra, and asks her to identify herself. In keeping with her penchant for cheesy 80s exposition, She-Ra embarks on a long-winded speech about how she comes from the Etheria, a peaceful, wonderful land that she must constantly protect against the evil Hordak. Red Sonya becomes intrigued by this talk of peace and happiness. She's never encountered anything like it before, so she figures it must be a huge ass monster with lots of treasure. She-Ra tries to correct this misconception by explaining that peace and love exists in the hearts of all good men and women. Even more intrigued, Red Sonya decides to find this treasure for herself by carving out She-Ra's heart. The fight is on. Round One goes to Red Sonya, since She-Ra's attempts to explain the concepts of peace and love wound up starting a sword fight.
Red Sonya and She-Ra go at each other with their swords. Much to Red Sonya's surprise, the wispy blonde with the miniskirt is actually a match for her in a duel. She-Ra parries Red Sonya's blows expertly and dodges aside those strikes that seem desperate to carve out her innards. All the while, she keeps up a witty Saturday morning cartoon banter that isn't actually witty at all. When Red Sonya narrowly misses her with a sword strike, She=-Ra loudly comments, "That would ahve been a close shave!" When the two swords clash in midair and give off a shower of sparks, she says, "Things are getting hot in here!" rather than asking the obvious question of why all these sword-wielding action heroes seem to have car batteries attached to their blades. This is the type of banter that usually goes over quite well with 8 year olds. Against the red-headed warrior, it falls flat. The quips and puns drive Red Sonya into a burning rage, which leads her to strike faster and faster with increasing force and ferocity. Finally, she manages to disarm She-Ra and slash her voice box, putting an end to the chatter. Round Two goes to Red Sonya.
With She-Ra now silenced, Red Sonya starts working on digging that peace and love stuff right out of her foe. While she's working, she sings the Disembowelment Song to keep things cheerful. I don't really have the time to write out the lyrics to the Disembowelment Song, but suffice it to say that it's a very versatile melody that allows your killer to call out each of your vital organs as it leaves your body. If you're going to die, it's much more fun to hear your killer singing, "I'm going to eat your spleen/I never claimed it was clean" than just a bunch of maniacal laughter. Well...maybe not.
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