Round One:
This fight begins in a distant cosmic arena, for no arena on our puny planet can hope to contain the sheer amount of force that will be unleashed in this battle. Jack Bauer comes into the arena with a dozen or so guns strapped across his body and hands that are ready to kill. Chuck Norris steps up without any apparent weapons, but seems coolly confident nonetheless. As the two prepare to square off, Bauer draws his guns and starts shooting. He gets all the chic action movie shots as he fires -- slow mo, bullet time, et cetera. However, his bullets never land. They streak toward Chuck Norris at lightning speed, but then take a good look at him before landing. Upon seeing what they are about to hit, the bullets cringe, wet themselves, and fall to the ground. Even non-sentient objects are intimidated by Chuck Norris. Jack Bauer isn't quite intimidated yet, but he's got a roundhouse kick heading straight for his brain that might change his mind. Round One goes to Chuck Norris.

Round Two:
The roundhouse kick connects, sending Jack Bauer crashing to the ground. Much to everyone's suprise, Bauer actually manages to stand up after the blow, although he's a little shaky as he does so. Bauer then launches into a counterattack, going hand to hand against Chuck Norris. The fight goes remarkably evenly, with Bauer even gaining the upper hand for a bit. He grabs both of Chuck's wrists, pinning his arms and leaving the nigh-omnipotent cowboy apparently helpless. But one of Chuck's fists still manages to smash Jack in the face. As an explanation, I offer one of the Chuck Norris Facts: There is no chin under Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist. That fist knocks out Jack Bauer's teeth. To demonstrate what it might look like, I offer this clip from Family Guy. Go ahead and check it out; this page will still be here when you get back.

See? You just got to watch what might be the last funny joke Family Guy ever has. Anyway, to summarize this round, Jack Bauer gets punched in the face, and winds up kissing space canvas. Round Two goes to Chuck Norris.

Round Three:
Chuck Norris waits patiently for Jack to pick himself up off the floor and continue the fight. On his way to his feet, Jack Bauer comes up with a plan that might just be crazy enough to work...

He turns around and runs away as fast as he can.

Of course, in executing this retreat, Jack forgets one important fact about Chuck Norris: If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you are probably close to death. Jack Bauer doesn't have eyes in the back of his head, and thus can't see Chuck as he flees. Chuck Norris ends the fight by putting his foot through the back of Jack's brain. He then tosses the body through a black hole, where Jack Bauer is whisked away to a strange dimension where he is actually the biggest badass around, and where people pretend that 24 didn't jump the shark years ago. In the real world, people go back to worshipping Chuck Norris. He finds a horse and rides off into the sunset, while someone whistles a cowboy tune to see him off. Round Three and the fight go to Chuck Norris.