Furious George Takes on All Comers

Furious George is a one-time joke from The Simpsons that got blown way out of proportion thanks to my obsession with the idea of a monkey knife fight as a cure-all to any problem. He's the monkey knife-fighting champion, undefeated and ready to take on ten opponents in this special fight.
Talk of the Tape: Sorry, nothing here.

Round One: Furious George versus Curious George
Furious George enters the arena amid the shouts and cheers of his fans. Curious George enters the other side, clueless as to what's going on. As Furious George advances on Curious George, waving his knife in front of him and ready to go for the kill, Curious George gets a little bit too curious as to what that sharp pointy thing is. He soon finds out as Furious George stabs his eyes out. He then goes for the jugular, and slices off Curious George's arms and legs all before shock sets in. Round One goes to Curious George, and another icon of my childhood is callously murdered on this page.

Round Two: Furious George versus Superman
Superman really has nothing to do with monkeys or monkey knife fighters, but since he's become this page's unofficial fall guy as far as fights go, I decided to throw him in and make it official. Supes lands and begins preaching about truth, justice, and the American way and how this fight is a horrible bloody travesty, and Furious George stabs him in the back with a kryptonite blade. Weakened by the kryptonite, Superman goes down and Furious George takes his head. Round Two goes to Furious George...don't worry, Superman will be back once I need another loser to get his ass beat in a fight.

Round Three: Furious George versus Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson enters the arena, fresh from his victory over Janet Jackson. Unfortunately, he's never fought one like Furious George, who lunges at Michael's precious face with his knife. The blade slashes through the King of Pop's plastic features, and Michael is brought down screaming. The sudden disruption to the face without the proper chemical treatment beforehand causes Michael to suddenly mutate and show his true form. Unfortunately, the mutation is unstable, and Michael explodes, leaving little chunks of pop star all over the place. Furious George is left dazed, but manages to get back to his feet. Round Three goes to Furious George.

Round Four: Furious George versus George W. Bush
Before this round, Furious George shaves himself to prove that George W. Bush cannot match up to a shaved monkey. Since Bush is too busy working on his next big speech about how the United States is going to ineffectually bomb the shit out of third world countries, Furious George catches him by surprise. He knocks a flask of booze out of the president's hands, which would cause him to flip out if he could see straight. Instead he just falls over and drowns in his own vomit. Round Four goes to Furious George, after his opponent dies in the most pathetic way yet.

Round Five: Furious George versus King Kong
The fight moves to New York City, where King Kong can be found ramages through the downtown district once again, just like the old days. He begins to climb the Empire State Building out of habit, and barely even takes notice of the tiny monkey climbing after him with a knife. Furious George stabs King Kong a few times with no effect, and then hits the giant ape in the soft flesh between his toes. King Kong lets out a roar of pain and drops, falling off the Empire State Building to his doom once again. Round Five goes to Furious George.

Round Six: Furious George versus Mighty Joe Young
The massive ape Mighty Joe Young lumbers in to attack Furious George. Unfortunately, the ape moves far too slow, since he is really only a bunch of outdated animatronics and computer graphics. Furious George, on the other hand, is nimble like a fox and easily dodges around the ape's clumsy maneuvers. Furious George nails a gut shot and a head shot, and tears out Mighty Joe Young's artificial brain. Round Six goes to Furious George.

Round Seven: Furious George versus Charlton Heston
This looks like a tough battle for our Furious George, since Charlton Heston comes into the fight with a gun. Luckily for our beloved monkey knife-fighter, Charlton Heston only brought his gun along for moral support. He talks to it about the damned dirty monkey that he's about to fight, and prepares to club Furious george to death with his shotgun. Furious George, a master of close combat, has no problem fending off Charlton Heston's attacks, and quickly gives out NRA friend a good old-fashioned disembowelment. Furious George then pulls the gun out of Heston's cold dead fingers and tosses it aside. Round Seven goes to Furious George...good thing that his opponent didn't realize that guns were good for much else besides making out with and whispering sweet nothings into their barrels.

Round Eight: Furious George versus Bubbles
That's right, Bubbles is back with a vengeance. Furious at the loss of his master and friend Michael Jackson, Bubbles lashes out. Grabbing a knife, he engages Furious George on his own turf. However, Furious George has years of monkey knife-fighting experience. Bubbles, on the other hand, is weak like a little girl. In the end, Furious George comes out with a few nicks and scratches, while Bubbles comes out in tiny bite-size pieces. Round Eight goes to Furious George

Round Nine: Furious George versus the Man in the Yellow Hat
Another opponent responding to the death of a loved one, Curious George's friend the Man in the Yellow Hat arrives to settle things. But the Man in the Yellow Hat is a peaceful, simple man. Rather than unleashes a flurry of bone-shattering blows on Furious George, the Man in the Yellow Hat tries to reason with him. He tries to appeal to the child within Furious George, and wishes to make amends, so that one day our monkey knife-fighter can put aside his rage and rejoin society. It's a touching speech, but Furious George has no inner child because I made sure that it was securely tied to a radiator and gagged with duct tape before the fight. (People just aren't as bloodthirsty with an inner child.) At any rate, Furious George floors the Man in the Yellow Hat with a groin shot, then moves in for the kill. Round Nine goes to Furious George.

Round Ten: Furious George versus Vinnie Jones
Vinnie Jones (one of the stars from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch) has nothing to do with monkeys, but I needed a tenth fighter. Vinnie enters the ring to fill out the fight. Furious George is tired by this time but still ready to end the fight. But what he doesn't expect is that Vinnie Jones enters the ring with his friend Desert Eagle .50. Unlike Charlton Heston, Vinnie is not sexually attracted to guns and therefore uses his to its primary purpose: killing. Furious George goes down, his first and only defeat. Round Ten and the match go to Vinnie Jones. Poor Furious George; it was just like him to bring a knife to a gun fight.

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